I know a girl who uses those terms. She always describes herself as an alpha and how she can't get along with other alphas and how alphas don't like it when other alphas are in their territory and I'm just sitting there like, are you human beings or fucking tigers? What is all this nonsense?

I think the telling bit is where he tells her that when he tries to lead, she doesn't follow. She is the alpha she's been looking for all along.

Pants are a tool of oppression by the patriarchy. Let's all rebel and lounge around in underwear.

Green Eggs and Ham + D.A.R.E/Just Say No = Very confused children. That book is pretty much all about how awesome it is to finally give in to peer pressure.

The butterfly at the end looks like its wings are on upside down, which kind of bugs me as someone trained in scientific illustration.

Guess How Much I Love You was just one big book about one-upping so you have the upper hand in a relationship.

Also, sidebar: Green Eggs and Ham. I liked the book, but in kindergarten I kind of got in trouble because they decided to feed us green eggs and ham. I pointed out that green ham "probably had diseases in…

THE LITTLE ENGINE THAT COULD.

The Velveteen Rabbit

And if you try to skip that page it's DEFCON 5 ALL UP IN HERE.

There's one that's called "Clifford has an Itch" or something like that. And the whole plot is that Clifford has an itchy rump and he scratches on various things, which is disruptive because he's so huge and so his family gets some ointment and they have to apply to the itch with a giant broom and that soothes his…

I am a children's librarian and i just want you to know that:

GTFO

I remember loving the illustrations of The Runaway Bunny when I was little. I bought it for my kids and . . no. Hate it. The story is terrible. Why does this bunny want to run away so badly? What is going on at home? Is it the reason his father is gone? Also, why won't the mommy bunny just give the baby bunny…

Fucking hated this book with a passion. My mom had a lot of children's literature because she was a 1st grade teacher and she hated it as well.

In The Night Kitchen spooked me because the little boy was naked and I felt like that was really inappropriate for a children's book.

Fucking Very Hungry Caterpillar. I read a review somewhere of it that points out that the words say "slice of salami" but the worm hole is through the whole salami, not the slice. I literally can't unthink that now and it drives me BANANAS. And I have to read it approximately every day to my 2 year old. I have…

For classics, the creepy stalker mom in I'll Love You Forever and anything about the Berenstain Bears. There are a lot of more recent books that are god awful, and my husband and I have hid several from our kids.

Good Night Moon. I was always SO bored while my mom read it to us. The only interesting thing was trying to spot the mouse on each page.

Anything Bernstein Bears. I mean goddamn, why are their no proper nouns?!

I second The Giving Tree. Depressing as crap. Does no one else realize that the tree is in an abusive relationship with the boy? (Only half kidding about this... Seriously eff that boy, he was a wretch.)