I feel like Schrodinger's cat. Which is great because now I have an excuse to lick my genitals.

How do the Bulls not score every time down when they're basically playing 4 on 3 after that quick trap they throw on Rose?

Am I the only person on deadspin who genuinely enjoys basketball?

Milton Bradley: "He claimed to be a gamer, but really he's just a fucking charlatan."

I'm just happy to help lift and separate this fine young lady from her competition.

A group from Orange County that tends to be a tad racist? I'd say color me shocked, but like the OC, I'm very proud to be uncolored.

As long as you make spooky ghost noises, yes.

Ever thrust at the mirror until your penis starts swinging in a circle? No? Well neither do I and now I don't have to worry about anyone accusing me otherwise.

A professional athlete who enjoys shoplifting? Winona Ryder just got all tingly in her lady parts.

Derrick Rose just facilitated a changing of my pants. Hardcore spontaneous Rosegasm.

I'd raise my hand to show that I would, but I'm too busy giving a handjob.

Sliced my thumb with an exacto knife, was actually in and out of the hospital in a half hour. This is probably because my mom's an ER doc and she drove me over and walked me straight pass the waiting room. STAND ASIDE MEDICAID USING PEASANTS, I'M THE SON OF A DOCTOR.

+1

Lower the rate, close loop holes.

Every time I meet a person who's going into I-banking, I inevitably say to myself "You know what? I would be ok with this person being poor."

Neato. I checked that enact medical malpractice reform box so hard, if for the simple reason that I never have to see another commercial where Billy Shatner tries to get me to hire some scumbag ambulance chaser.

Unlikely. I wish I had sources for you, but I recall Warren Buffet saying that a raising the tax on the upper bracket to 45% would be necessary to balance the deficit in a short time frame. This is also a largely speculative statement since we really don't know exactly how a tax increase would affect receipts and…

In this unfortunate case, yes. But thank god that this is a pretty damn rare case in America.

Plenty of people wore USA jerseys to the game against Mexico a couple years back and I don't recall any of them being beaten into comas. Perhaps hit with bags of urine, but even that is a huge step down. There is a clear agreement among sports fans in America that you don't beat the shit out of opposing fans when they…

Villanueva would have bodyslammed Hollins on the hardwood.