Lying on your resume

[Reads article]

So if the suspiciously clean reputation generates additional testing and multiple triatheletes pop positive for impossible hemoglobin levels, would that qualify as Ironman’s Iron-y Irony?

The Phillie Phanatic, or as Youcis sees him, the Ecuadoran immigrant who came to Philly in the 70s and took two hard-working Americans’ jobs.

Lebron is always consistent with meeting everyone’s ball seam preference. During gametime, in practices, and when setting the thermostat in his bedroom.

Don’t worry Magnus. Keep your chin up.

Like the Drakes of legend, she sits atop her golden treasure, greedily protecting it.

The dude who got pressure cooked alongside 6 tons of tuna has gotta be worse.

Hey Roger, I need help with this whole Molly issue.

All vaccine can cause autism. Proving which ones do cause it requires a lawyer to establish Means, Motive, and Rubella.

Twenty instances of abuse? Twenty? That’s way more than enough to sink anyone’s marriage.

Tangled Legs; Didn’t Run

Only in Canada does getting your money’s worth mean a loony exchange with an official.

New Orleans is a perfect alternate host. All residents can attest to there being absolutely no regulation on public bathroom accessibility.

Team trainers also report that immediately after hearing the snap, the jukebox began playing and the Polasky twins became suddenly randy.

While the hiring may have happened without my fanfare. His eventual firing will definitely be a huge axing.

Schottenheimer’s cat: the unknown state of a football cat where not knowing if it was smuggled in or found at Arrowhead forces us to think about it as simultaneously both smuggled in AND found at Arrowhead.

Just wait for the headline for the article detailing the Bills’ toxic locker room situation now that Richie Incognito is on the team:

♫ Daniel Adongo just might be insane. ♫

Reporter: How about a Shrimp?