If Adrian Peterson was suspended without pay for failing to show remorse, shouldn't Roger Goodell receive the same sentence for the same reason?

But I would TRY, by God. The fate of the human race depends on me and my penis.

Would you stop by my house Albert? My pantry's running out of salt and I don't want to go to the market.

Everyone knows that THE worst family is your wife's family.

Blount, pulling the sports equivalent of one of the members in a threesome getting insanely jealous that the other two are so fucking into each other....

Oh sure, but when RGIII leaves the game in the first quarter it's perfectly fine.

"B-b-b-but you were successful! Everyone else in your situation who fails is just lazy! Bootstraps! 'Murica! Wharrbargghalhlghgldkfjahd;fjfk"

Yeah, but is he cool enough to attempt that shot in an actual game?

No, but Chipotle or one of the hundred other Burrito places should.

Any time I see Nick Offerman, I am compelled by an irresistible force to have steak for my next meal.

I'LL TAKE EIGHT!

I recently discovered tonsil stone removals on youtube, check them out.

zit popping, my most embarrassing, horrible fetish.

A MAN who cares SO MUCH about this BOYS, his CLIENTS, that he'll make sure you have a BALL to practice with EVERYWHERE!

"Aye, aye"

I guess when it comes to a black person trusting police, it really does take a leap of faith.

Smith: He gets the ball…three!.. he passes to Melo…psyche!..two!..killer cross-over..one!...JR for the wi – oh that's that girl I smashed last night [brick]

The pipe doesn't lay itself.

"Carson Palmer? That guy is really good."