If I was Jacob’s mom I would be disowning him right this minute.

Plus you cannot get more of a rock-solid alibi than being on jury duty.

Are they using a microwave oven as the podium?

Wohl is also the youngest person ever barred for life by the futures commission, for running an outright fraud of an investment fund out of Arizona. One of the questions from a reporter was about him being banned and the reporter shouted, “you can’t even open an E*Trade account”.

I cannot get past the fly being down. I am dying right now.

The fact that the two of them soldiered on with their press conference in light of the incredibly amazing internet drubbing they got yesterday is honestly hysterical and sad at the same time. This is what happens when a 20-year-old has already gone through a major legal proceeding and got off with a slap on the wrist.…

Just a reminder, the US would be the SECOND country in recent years to deny Haitians birthright citizenship:

More family betrayal! Emily West is warning her fellow Missourians not to vote for her racist father, 64-year-old Steve West. “He’s made multiple comments that are racist and homophobic and how he doesn’t like the Jews,” she said. “I can’t imagine him being in any level of government.”

Suggestions for Ben & Jerry: Mint Chocolate Fuck Trump. Cherry Fuck Trump. Salted Caramel Fuck Trump. Cookie Dough Fuck Trump. 

I caught part of it at the gym. Essentially their boy Griff Jenkins(supposedly a real human man’s name) was talking about a Mexican aid station created by local villagers to feed the hungry people on the caravan. Some nice tamales and stuff. Steve Douchey actually asked how they were paying for the food (implying…

Wait, so are we anti-vax today or not?

At this point if black women said “fuck all of yall” and boarded a spaceship and peaced out Id wish them nothing but the best, we dont deserve their presence on this planet

Welp. They buried Matt Shepard today at the National Cathedral. The ceremony was very sweet & wrecked me more than expected. Twenty years this month. Lots of downtown Laramie storefronts are displaying No Place For Hate signs in their windows.

Let’s not forget Paula Dean, who gave rise to the greatest moment in Black Twitter”: #paulasbestdishes

My wife and I are in our mid to late 30s with no kids and I feel like I have to have a prepared statement for the question. I really don’t understand why people are ok asking.  

I call them ass gaskets. I do not use them.

Funbag has never made me happier than right now. A couple months ago I casually mentioned to some co-worker buddies that I don’t use the toilet seat covers and they were aghast. Came home confused and talked about it with my girlfriend; she was horrified at my behavior. All of a sudden I was the weird one for just…

Yeah, and if it is piss I wipe off with toilet paper and sit down. If it’s shit, I move stalls. My ass isn’t gonna to catch nothing.

If I have to be a truther, oceanic animal truther is the kind of truther I want to be.