Australians are up there with bedbugs, herpes and white South Africans in my book. I wish they’d stop coming to Canada.

Two men tried to lure her into their car, under false pretenses. If you can read that and come away thinking Kevin Smith is the sad excuse for a man, you must just really hate Kevin Smith, amirite?

And come on, he made Dogma. And God was played by Alanis!

Yeah, strikes me as a pretty excellent way to spend any decade of your life.

which is a terrible way to live when you are in your 40s

Dude’s making us white men married to black women look bad. 1.) Owning that shirt. 2.) wearing it on television.

Man, I spent like a solid year just smoking weed and watching Planet Earth. Good times. Sometimes I bust out some “oh, that’s the only venomous mammal right there” shit on my wife and she’s like how do you know that? and I’m like, I told you I used to smoke dope.

I’d listen.

Pothead? I thought it was Ganjanoggin...

I submit these 2 are the only real choice to do the narration of the next Planet Earth/Blue Planet

Heyyyy, I am not a weed head!

Ciara already tried a Future upgrade; it didn’t take.

Glitches in his programming. Future upgrades will make it even harder for him to fail the Turing test.

I’m a Grandma, and I always thought “innuendo” was an Italian suppository.

He’s not himself on it! He refuses to wear hats, He hits the dog for trying to love him! The whole family told him it was the drugs or us! He chose the drugs but then we remembered he can't drive or go to the store so.....

It is a cat, so it is definitely the Gone Girl thing.

This morning I woke up and under my pillow was my cat! I can’t tell if he likes the pressure of my head pushing a pillow into his body while he sleeping or if he’s trying to get me to unknowingly suffocate him while I sleep so that he can frame me for his murder Gone Girl style to teach me a lesson. Really hard to…

It’s not the first time Grandma has been woken up with a banana, amirite?

‘You are a piece of shit who doesn’t understand human decency. BUT YOUR HAIR ALWAYS LOOKS REALLY, REALLY NICE! I WISH MY HAIR WAS AS NICE!’