“There are over 400,000 NCAA student-atheletes, and almost all of them are going to go pro in something other than sports.”

Did he use Trojan mules?

Not a whole 5 grams...must have been a real rager.

Gambling and drugs should be legal and deadbeats should pay their debts.

make sure you have a cigarette handy

So wait, Reddit is the lair of Satan and everything about it is garbage but Gawker writers use it to find content to post? You don’t say...

They all can’t be winners. Which reminds me of The—eh, nevermind.

Whenever I start feeling like I’m a little too cultured and high-brow, all I have to do is read a round-up like this. The fact that a 37 year old woman would be crying with laughter over poop stories proves that I will never really grow up.

No, I now know where your hands have been.

I don’t even comprehend how someone wipes without standing up! I mean it’s not like all the way erect, squeezing your cheeks together, and then smacking your ass with paper. It’s more of a mid-squat with the knees bent at close to a 90 degree angle. Wiping while sitting? There’s not enough open space around the rim to…

The NYC train story deserves a Pulitzer.

He doesn’t know how to use the 3 seashells!

I have forever been a stand-and-wipe person. I don’t understand how you do it any other way. It boggles my mind. How the hell do you even reach anything while sitting down on the toilet and reaching your hand just barely above the crap water? And how do you not break every single toilet seat you are on? And what do…

I stand up to wipe and leave my shoes on when I come in my house. Come at me, bro.

Dude. You “almost” called the doctor after 3 days with red shit!?

I went into the bathroom, did my business and stood up to wipe (yes, I am one of those)

Kinda OT but not. In a moment of stoned vulnerability I bought a huge box of Safeway Red Velvet white chocolate cookies and polished them off in a 18 hour time span. I kid you not I thought I was shitting blood for 4 days. Almost called the doctor until I remembered the culprit.

I was out one night with some buddies when a couple of girls walk in the bar. My friend decides he wants to pursue on of the ladies and I agreed to wingman with the other one. Neither one was bad looking and they agreed to let us buy them shots. They chose Tequila, I’ll tell you right now, Tequila does not settle well…

I’m just going to take this opportunity to post what might be the best block I’ve ever seen live: