During a late afternoon press conference, Hayes said the decision was painful

Well, at least those players had an excuse for not standing during the national anthem.

“Some of y’all can count TO TEN?!”

I’d say someone just needs to give the Twins a good slap on the rear, but then the Minneapolis cops might shoot him.

Or at least Fonzie jumping over Michael Phelps.

Johnson is no saint; he’s a defense lawyer.

The fact that he was falsely accused of a crime is just further proof that Whitehead isn’t Cowboys material.

“Working on more adult acting roles”

The last time I can remember when black people were recruited en masse for new job opportunities, it didn’t go so well.

All they can say is that their tarp is pretty plain

I don’t like the GOP any more than any other rational person in the US but this is absolutely not the way to show your displeasure with them. Glad everyone who was hurt will make a full recover (according to reports). maybe at least this will get them to rethink their stand on gun control.

“Flat Earther Does Something Dumb.”

We’d never even live to see it. The combined heat of all the takes would boil the oceans and we’d all steam to death like terrestrial vertebrate shrimp.

Finally, white people catch a break.

As a fake internet attorney, let me preemptively address the knotty legal arguments from those who would ask “What about his right to free speech?”: Shut the fuck up you fucking idiot

What is this hypothetical audience that isn’t turned off by a 5 minute long pseudo-dance number of gruesome murder in a church but is turned off by consensual sex? Everyone I know who falls into the “yes gore, no sex” camp would also be super offended by that church scene.

The last time Memphis saw an exodus this big, the Egyptian army drowned in the Red Sea.

Guldurned gubmint! Always protectin’ the rights of children against my better wishes! First they tell me I cain’t make my kid work 12 hours a day in a coal mine which is bullshit. Then they say I cain’t have sex with minors which is also bullshit. Now they’re tellin’ me I cain’t send my boy back out on the footbaw…