I have told people before who have refused use of a facility. “If you don’t have a public bathroom you soon will when I crap right here.”

For some reason I clicked on the article to read more about these goons—dude actually purchased a booth not a both. A booth for his company which apparently combines rap and fantasy football. I have no idea what that entails but I almost have to find out because I hate myself and don’t deserve nice things.

Imagine being an adult and being mad that you didn’t get an Ezekiel Elliot autograph at a fantasy football convention.

 Veggies in Season is an iOS app that gives you a quick rundown of what fruits and vegetables are currently in season.

That’s a good idea. Another thing I could do is tear my scrotum open with the edge of an old cat food can, and then scoop the testicles out with a melon baller.

Remember when The Onion came in print?

“Aww, man ... you made friends with ‘em. See, friendship is the booze they feed you. They want you to get drunk on feeling like you belong.”

This is a butt take. 

“Entertaining” and “irritating” have very similar syllables and vowel sounds. I understand your confusion.

The Cubs are a crazy team. It's 2018, who steals bases. You're supposed to get your single/walk and wait for a home run. Stealing bases, pshaw! That's so 1970s. No wonder people have tuned out baseball, myself included. Steals, triples and great throws are the best part of the game. Bring the speed back. 

As a lifelong (40 years) Cubs fan, I think Javy already is the most exciting and just bananas player I have ever seen. He is just a treat to watch day in and day out with the ridiculous shit he is capable of.

The good news is pretty soon it’ll only take one plane crash to restore parity to the NBA.

This is, without question, the absolute worst logo I have ever seen.

But enough about Phil Jackson’s dick ...

Jeannie Buss has just invited LaVar to check out this cool thing she found deep, deep in the woods. 

And by striking down the man who goes after testicles, a new hero to fellow dogs was born.

I was 17 before I found out that the TV and Planters Cheez Balls weren’t my biological parents.

Eau de humanity

the ceremonial first bet in Philadelphia was placed by Glen Macnow

Jim Tomsula: Poor soul was probably confused and made an honest mistake. Bet she thought it was the off-season.