On a fifth hand, how much money do you think you could possibly be paid to do a couple tweets?

I pointed this one out to my wife, and she was horrified/confused until I reminded her that not everyone buys the giant Costco jars of pickles. She was very relieved, because her first thought was, "Well I usually just reach my entire hand into the jar, or stab around inside with a fork."

Check him for finger steroids!

After sexy talk like that, I need to excuse myself to the other room to BORK BORK BORK.

For the Game of Thrones fans, this was the first thing I thought of when I read about "doing the Finger Dance." (For the non-fans, it turns out not to be anything as nice as masturbating.)

That sounds exactly the right amount reminiscent of 80's exercise vids.

Digital self-gratification. So hot.

Performing a vagina monologue?

Some of the shortlisted words: "klittra," "pulla," "selfa."

For anyone is is curious about the plant, it's Caesalpinia pulcherrima, and is also known as "pride of Barbados." It's widely planted as an ornamental in warmer parts of the US and in the Caribbean, and the flowers are truly amazing.

A while back I had occasion to use a tissue sectioning microtome, which is essentially a fancy mandoline for taking a biological sample the size of...say, a peppercorn, and slicing it into hundreds of 5-micron thick wafers. Needless to say it is dangerously sharp, and I sliced my fingers to the bone while changing…

Are YOU going to be the instructor who says "Sorry, Vlad, you fail. Your flying sidekick was a little too sloppy. Better luck next time."

Can't speak on that, as my mom didn't sign the permission slip for me to see the sex ed video. I think my love for the word underpants comes from a scene in...Hello Dolly?...when the main lady is climbing a ladder though a window and says "Can I come in? I've got a draft in my unnapants." Sign me up for that draft,…

My best friend went to a high-end lingerie shop before his wedding, having been persuaded that it is customary for a man to buy his new bride some sexy, lacy panties. (Is it actually customary? I sure don't know.) When the nice lady asked how she could help, he said, "I need to buy my fiance some underpants." The…

And people who are bisectual have sex with everyone but also cut you in half.

I like my supply chain management software like I like my women...

Well, I've got a map and both hands are ready, so I'm optimistic that it will be me. Wish me luck!

Agreed. He should be added into the Bill of Rights (they can paste it over the one about quartering soldiers, or the one about coveting my neighbor's ass, I don't care about those). You'll have to pry Anthony Davis from my cold dead hands, Barack Obama!!

I should have such a weakness! He's a better foul shooter than any big with a remotely comparable skillset in a long time - hovering around 80% so far in his career (last night notwithstanding).

Working hard to pass #1...there's a kidney stone joke in there somewhere, I just know it!