I'm firmly in the "don't be afraid, its just another beautiful part of nature" camp about almost everything, but I'm with you on these - they are actually badass enough to deserve the name hellgrammite. In my experience, though, you've got to be actively flipping over underwater rocks to run across one. The…

Oh there are millions of things that want to kill you. You'd just never know because they are too small and innocuous for you to pay attention to. Sleep with one eye open around any hedgehogs, is all I'm saying.

I can fix that problem - wear brown pants and no one will notice.

With only one exception that I'm aware of (mayflies), only adult insects have wings. So you can rest easy!

But to freak you out again, here's a picture of a juvenile (a.k.a. Hellgrammite):

They are all over the US, but not quite this big. Still pretty big though. They are aquatic for the vast majority of their lifespan - they emerge from water to become winged adults, bang, then die pretty soon after. The aquatic juvenile stage of a dobsonfly is called a "hellgrammite" and looks like this:

Not dangerous! Those giant wings are used to desperately and haplessly flutter around looking for a female, and the giant mandibles are used for wrestling with other males. If you see one, you should think of it as a kindred spirit! (It's the females you should watch out for - they are aloof and unapproachable…

They are also comically weak at flying, so not really living up to the nightmare-hype there either.

Ted Williams did it, and he was the G.O.A.T.

I have never, ever understood why people refer to him as "Wily." Street-smart, maybe. Possibly crafty. I hope there is at least a cool story behind it, like with "Bo" Jackson.

Not so roly poly and lovable NOW, eh, tree branch!? Motherfucker!

You're going to regret saying that someday. My motto is "Never put it in writing!"

A horse, a duck and goat walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, a joke?"

This brings me so much joy that I want to murder him...in a well.

Andre Agassi only played tennis out of a fear that his disguised dad was somewhere in the crowd with a sniper rifle.

Soon he'll be holding hands with an old lady, while they sit in separate bathtubs at the top of a hill. His days day of forlornly standing on a yacht with no boner will be a thing of the past!

Not only did they reject the skate park, they didn't want these beads either. These are nice beads! I think some of them are actual glass. They also refused to accept these stacks of blankets. What? The bags? Oh, yeah, the blankets are all sealed in freezer bags to keep the freshness in. Nice, fresh blankets, who…

It's illegal in Louisana too. Right after I moved here, around 2002/3, they outlawed it. I remember being bummed, because I was thinking of starting a non-profit cockfighting arena for the neighborhood kids. (e.t.a. Not really of course, although I did tell people that I was going to start such a charity. I always…

This is just like the "football vs American football" thing. In Europe and many other parts of the world, "cockfighting" refers to a completely different sport — one that in the US we typically call a "dickout." Or in some states, a "wangdown."

Life is a journey... Start with a selfie toast over your bathroom sink, and after a few months you'll definitely be ready for a mirror.