Yeah, I been hating Lebron since before it was cool, but a genuine injury is what it is. I'm bummed because this series is going to go from probably legendary to probably boring if he can't play or is seriously hobbled. And at this point, suggesting that he isn't physically/mentally/emotionally tough enough to win a…

Pussy-ass bullshit! If this was the NHL finals, they'd have just cranked the heat up another 10 degrees in the arena and gone straight into game 2. They'd have played it swimming in the melted ice, with skates and uniforms on, and they'd never get cramps even if they had a big snack between games.

Come on, people! Just shit into a plastic grocery bag, tie it off at the end of the day, and then bury it in the neighbor's yard at night. The bags are free, it doesn't waste any water, and you can put all your dirty butt-wipes right in the same bag. You don't have to thank me, I'm a problem solver. It's what I do.

...but it would lose all its flavor!

I'd say I really masturbate three to four times a week. The other five or so times I'm only sort of masturbating.

I knew someone who, as a collegiate runner, was pictured alongside an article about eating disorders among women athletes. She was bothered by it, I assume, but also definitely amused because she ate a ridiculous amount, like bordering on Michael Phelps territory. She was just really skinny, with a high metabolism,…

...but with less body hair.

Big deal, I make millions of tiny magneto-sperm robots every day. At least, I assume they are robots...I've never looked that closely.

Our eyes, sure. But for God's sake, don't you try to pull the wool over our entire heads!

No, but I'm morally superior at killing. And smarter.

This is a pretty sensible take. Being upset when you match your skill against someone else's and they get the best of you is understandable, but suck it up, that's what competition is about. If someone skirts the edges of the written rules to gain an advantage and doing it puts their opponent in harm's way (like the…

Talent and experience in a sport have no bearing at all on intelligence or moral superiority. For instance, Aaron Hernandez is more talented and experienced than me at football, but I wholeheartedly believe that I am smarter and morally superior to him. Maybe I am biased because this article basically reinforces…

I was really hoping that "homophobic slur" meant that he called the paparazzo a homophobe in a very offensive way. *sigh*

That's why Deadspin always rigorously evaluates their headlines with multiple focus groups before posting them.

I did not know that about "Dr." King! Huh. Well, it was before the Ctrl and V keys were invented, so at least he probably did the work of typing, right? Oh, right. I guess the V-key had been invented.

I wonder if the ghosts of all the hundreds of workers who died building the infrastructure will be happy or sad if the World Cup gets taken from Qatar. If I died in near-slavery working conditions to build a giant stadium, I honestly don't know if it would make it better or worse for the stadium to never be used. …

Does Gawker treat copy-pasters like Martin Luther King, or did you misspell "milk?" Either way, I don't get it.

I wonder if a similar recommendation was ever made for Simona Halep, who had enormous boobs but otherwise didn't appear abnormally large for a tennis player. In her case, she did find the "extra weight" to be uncomfortable and a hindrance to her tennis and ultimately chose to have breast reduction surgery. Still, I…

If we give that up, what do we have left, really? It's what separates us from the animals. In fact, if they take away my titanium dioxide nanoparticles then I'll take a lesson from the food photographers and pour white paint* or Elmer's glue on my cereal.

I took a quick survey of my friends (n=5) and acquaintances (n=12), and a significant proportion of them agreed that I am, in fact, sufferable (p = 0.047). In your FACE!!!