That is the glimmer of hope I needed to keep annoying my husband with my weird fantasy. Thank you!

I would build the most ridiculous fucking house. Not just average wealthy gaudy, but really awesome and weird. There are many requirements, some more weird than others: a environmentally-conscious as possible, huge porch, private balconies, an absolutely giant walk-in closet (the kind that has its own sitting room), a…

THAT EXISTS?!

SECRET ROOM. Oh my God I just want a secret room so badly. It would open up like, in the back of my closet, or like a trapdoor, or behind a bookshelf or something. It would have a very squishy couch, lots of blankets, books, and good-smelling candles, a little fridge with Coke Zero and wine, and room for me to bring…

“So: what totally frivolous item would you buy if you suddenly became filthy rich? “

A library+reading room accessible only through a seemingly boring, normal bookcase THAT IS SECRETLY A DOOR.
Like, full on Scooby-Doo style, pull a candlestick, rotating, secret bookcase door.

I want a huge library with more books than I could ever read, with a wheeled ladder and everything. There would be a huge window to let in plenty of natural light, plants hanging from the ceiling, and floor-to-ceiling bookshelves.
There would be kids’ books on the bottom shelves and the nice, bound ones up high, and I…

I am officially hiring you to come to NYC every morning to do my makeup like that. I can pay you in feminist rants!

Seriously, because I can answer that question and the answer is a buttload of mascara and lip gloss.

Mr. Macgyner once, while stuck at a truck stop due to a broken down bus, said he was “in a trucker mood” and asked me to send him a “saucy picture.” We were not in a great spot, and I’m not into the whole sending pics thing (which he fucking knew!) so I was inordinately annoyed, and thought, “You want a saucy picture?…

You just KNOW someone’s watched too much porn when they think you'd be enthusiastic about that.

This isn’t exactly the content of a sext, but my wife once tried to sext me while she was semi drunk at a bar, but sent the sext to her aunt instead. She wasn’t able to look her in the eye for months after that one.

I like to send awkward sexts because I’m horrible at dirty talk.

If they’re blurring out all the boobs, why can I still see all the hosts’ faces?

I’m trying to imagine the type of person who would get upset at the sight of boobs in a painting.

L

I’m really confused about the recent negative articles on Natalie Portman. She’s brilliant, well spoken, and seems like a nice person off camera.

So we hate Natalie Portman now? It's so hard to keep up

“Sorta makes one yearn for the quiet days when Portman was hanging with her hottie dancer husband and recovering from gestating both her first Oscar and a child, doesn’t it?”

“Wear sunscreen and get a spray tan. You only get one skin and you should take care of it.”