STL Derek Jeter: Wow, that was quite a night. I hope you enjoyed yourself, I sure did! Before you leave, I left a basket with some stuff for you in the kitchen. Don't call me, I'll call you!

There's no way Wong ends up with any money from this suit. His case is absolutely hopeless.

On the bright side, now Atletico supporters will be walking around wearing Junior FC 2014 Apertura champions t-shirts.

I don't think there's one iota of a chance that Donovan isn't going to Brazil because "other guys...are a little bit ahead of him." That's ridiculous. You mean to tell me that Alejandro Bedoya, his potential replacement on the wing, is a better player than LD? I like Bedoya, thinks he brings a good energy, tracks back…

Lawyer: Mrs. Sterling, here are the facts. You now have total control over an absolute disaster. It's a bloated, empty carcass that's been completely and horrifically mismanaged over the past three decades. I'm going to do the best I can, but you may have to settle at a certain point.

It's true, imagine how terrible Altidore's season at Sunderland would have been if they had signed Donovan too!

Oh man, can't believe I missed that joke.

Adam Silver: Dick, we're so happy to have you in the League! And with your basketball experience, it's a perfect fit!

If they were capable of thinking this up, I'd say it was a brilliant decision by these Auburn alums.

Huh, "huffing" — characterized by disorientation, lack of awareness, and apparent seizures — must be one of those regional terms that changes based on where you are.

I can't believe that Moyes would ever do anything to tarnish Manchester United's reputation like that.

Bless you, Barry. Finally a story I'm not embarrassed to explain to my 7-year-old.

That bet is typical despicable de Blasio strategy, pitting the Habs against the Habs-nots.

Jones was molded by a childhood in Ebbw Vale (pronounced: vayl) in Wales, a town particularly stricken by the collapse of steel and coal mining.

This is an utter disgrace to the game of basketball. The complete flaunting of every fundamental unwritten rule of the game — things we learned from the coaches who made us real men — is goddamn appalling. This me-first, ego-driven bullshit is not what the game is about, at least not the game that I, and my father,…

What a crock of shit, Simmons. How could a real NBA fan even think about LeBron James when they're constantly thinking of how to cope with horrible tragedies in their cities' histories?

Doctor: Paul! How do you feel?

Finally, a victory against commercialism in sporting culture! Bud Light did everything in its power to stop this Super Bowl from being in one of their chief rival's preferred locales: the Twin Cities.

If it were my mother's lasagna, have you ever seen a flattened train?

"You know, babe, it's true what they say about guys with big foreheads."