So, running a creepypasta from three years ago counts as news, now?

Guys, maybe you should remove this one. He died instantly from that.

Why is this popping up in trending blogs? Greetings from the future.

Well, shit.

Clearly, it's Saddam Hussein.

Disney prince dicks yesterday, snake fucking today. The Gawker family tree has some root rot that needs clearing out.

...did I just see someone die?

Do you want a hernia, Hellscream? Because that is how you get a hernia.

My God... Ellie exploding at the end. I was not expecting that and legit spit my drink all over the screen and keyboard.

The Uncle Ben one make me snort water through my nose.

This is Alan Wake? I've heard good things about that game. Is it actually like Twin Peaks? Because if so, I am going to go out and buy it immediately.

Could you please add some sort of seizure warning to the top of this post? Not exactly how I wanted to start my day.

You own a PS4 and your life is super hard? Talk about a first world problem.

To be fair, that's what it told Goku, too.

Contact Harvest was good up until the out of left field sex scene at the end. I was like, um, have either of you taken a shower in the last couple of days? Also, I didn't really need the mind-picture of Sergeant Johnson getting his swerve on. Like, at all.

Isn't this exactly how Sword Art Online started? WAKE UP, SHEEPLE

"Ooh-wah-ga-doo-doo." My morning has been made.

Shit man, do you realize how much money you could make if you took this shit to heart and made a plus-sized women's clothing line and marketed it to them intelligently without looking down your nose at them? How is this such a hard idea? Do fashion industry people somehow think that plus-sized peoples' money doesn't…

boy: I'm having a penis transplant tomorrow

Aww, realizing the concept of her own mortality. How deliciously spirit-crushing.