I hate to be the voice of normalcy here, but....what you're talking about is basically a melted coke float using low-fat ice cream (a crime, yes). So, really not that scary.

I dislocated my knee cap by hopping a railing at a theme park. The line for the ride was empty, and instead of going back and forth a million times, we decided to start hopping railings. We had also just applied sunscreen. My hands slipped on that nice, warm railing and I landed badly. Even though I couldn't put…

Here's this, if you need to find some girl scouts! For your Android or Apple device!

Even though Beloved isn't *technically* allergic to mushrooms, that's what I tell servers/anyone who brings us food. Having to explain that Beloved gets some of the most face-meltingly awful gas if he eats the wrong kind of mushroom is just not that much fun. And since the gas starts really fast, no one wants him…

WHY IS IT RAINING ON MY FACE DAMMIT. Wow, that was beautifully done. Even knowing what was coming, I still have all. the. feels. I'm glad I read it. *sob* No really. Glad. *sob*

UberTrout, I love you! Having worked in retail and food service for years, I just cannot get enough of this goodness that you are handing out! Thanks for making my year better, can't wait to see what you bring in 2015!

A dear friend of mine can make chocolate chip cookies that you would *swear* are just full of yum, with a dash of extra spices. You canNOT taste the fact that these cookies will alter the crap out of you. So I can totally believe that an actual professional baker could disguise just about anything in cookies. …

It's not just after sex! It's any time really. BelovedSmaug lets me run experiments on his balls, and they move pretty much all the time. You can even get a weird cascade thing going like those plants that hate to be touched, but with his balls. It's hilarious!

Why does someone need to ask them to share? Why can't these men just be considerate and stop 'saving room for cats'? Just share. Stop hogging space for no reason. Sheeesh!

My face is stuck like this. My mother was right.

Why? Why this whole mess? Bow, laces, scary sweater, why?

Also, no holes in undies. Because I'm old.

Again with the terrible, crappy laser cut garbage!

There is a lovely greek place near my house and the owners wife ALWAYS comes out with a plate of greek beignets (tiny fried dough pockets dusted with sugar and spiced, then doused in honey) and I always wondered why. I mean, no complaints here!

My husband loves spicy foods. I mean *loves* them. I'm a fan of wasabi and pickled ginger, but that's it. So when we eat at a thai place, he orders things as hot as they come. It's usually not hot enough for him, so he ends up using the *entire* dish of red chili paste on the table as well. I actually tell…

For about a year in my 20's, I worked in a gas station. There was a steady stream of kids that came through after school, on breaks from swim lessons and from the gaming store (card games, dice games, you name it!) in the same shopping center. We were usually pretty busy. There was a slightly smaller stream of…

OMG SPARKLES!

My Mom busted a tooth on a rock in a Taco Bell burrito. She took them to court and they paid for her dental work, but yeah, rocks in food can happen.

Oh.My.Gawd.

I do not understand this. But I like that stomach!