Oh, Dan Gilbert's kid? The same fuckin genius who's giving away Fatheads with mortgages? I see the apple didn't fall far from the probably-committing-a-felony tree.

Who the fuck is that entitled shit? Lemme guess, the next president of the Astros. Fuckin nepotism. Fuck those useless cum stains.

I didn't know Gene Simmons worked at ESPN!

This is your moment. Drink it in. Well done, sir.

Nice Howard Stern rip-off. He did this same thing not six months ago to a poem a staffer wrote.

That is the essence of Deadspin. Thanks for remembering.

Jesus. +100

Big fuckin deal. Call me crazy, but its way cooler to buy your own.

what about that couple that has kids and that's all they talk about and dedicate every waking moment of their lives to? I think they call them "parents." JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN FUCK, DOESN'T MEAN YOU NEED TO PROCREATE. Get some hobbies you fucking saps.

It is a KNOWN fact to those indigenous to the bi-state region (you know which two), that PEA is a breeding ground for dude-bro date rapists. Glad to see someone broke the mold (talkin' to you, DB).

Well done, sir.

He swings like a cunt

Papa John Phillips approves

CHB hasn't written a relevant column about the sox in over a decade. He's a fucking muck-raking hack with major cajones to confront Ortiz with his race-baiting bullshit accusations.

The guy from Gremlins died?

C Everett Koop posthumously has recommended avoiding foods with apostrophes in their name.

I wonder if the suites will have wine coolers and Oreos?

Wait, Manti T'eo's girlfriend plays rugby?

There once was a whore from Seacaucus...