I am chartreuse with envy over your retirement. I’m counting the days. (1,322 if the numbers line up by then, fewer if some miraculous windfall of money happens.) Once I’m retired I want to put dinner on the table no later than 7pm.

Meanwhile, I’ll try some roasted beets on a weekend when I’m home.

It’ll cook a LOT faster in an air fryer.

Sigh, I wish I had two hours in the evenings to roast beets.

Can you kindly try seriously fucking the fuck off then, please?

I refuse to believe there is anyone over the age of 15 who honestly thinks you shouldn’t be able to change the shitty default colors of your text message bubbles.

I learned that lesson the hard way in college. Ugh.

I reached into the back of the fridge at a party once, looking for a soda. All they had left was Diet Coke, which I don’t care for but I was thirsty so whatever. I took one swig and immediately sprayed it out. It tasted absolutely horrible, and it turned out it was several years past the date (apparently the party…

Agreed.
1. Don’t shoot cheap tequila. Don’t shoot any tequila.
2. Sip good tequila, and skip the salt and lime wedge.

No salt on the rim for me.

I’m sorry, but I stopped reading after “according to Nate Silver.”

Hey, once you go demon, you’ll always come screamin’.

Incorrect. William is after Charles in the line of succession, then his three children, then Harry, then his son, then Andrew who is currently eighth in line. Anne is fourteenth in line.

It is a majority Trumpist state, solid red, by a factor of over two to one. This queer progressive atheist? Not for ten thousand, not for ten million.

Not for ten thousand. Not for ten million.

All leaf blowers are intrinsically evil, noisy and belching combustion exhaust (use a fucking rake), just as much so as all this auto-play horseshit that literally everyone despises.

All leaf blowers are intrinsically evil, noisy and belching combustion exhaust (use a fucking rake), just as much so…

Oh, do NOT suddenly play the victim.

This: “I have nothing against the LGBT community, I just don’t believe that God wants them to live this way from what I gather from the Bible.” This is the same kind of shit that has been used to attack and oppress me and my community my entire life. Meanwhile, you sit there with a halo over your head being all…

Also, today the Supreme Court is hearing arguments from the Trump administration that could and will quite likely lead to them ruling that I and millions of others can be fired from their jobs for being LGBTQ. I note that you can’t be fired for being a self-righteous Christian proselytizer, and I note that this is…

I’ll thank you to keep your mythology to yourself, and I don’t really give a ripe fuck what you wish or want with regards to your desire to change my beliefs. Also, the Rolling Stones think you’re a self-righteous dick.

There were two Cajun musicians, both men, named Shirley Bergeron and Doris Leon Menard. Doris (who went by “D.L.”) was named so because his mother thought it sounded nice in French.

Also, the plural for Kleenex is “Kleeneces.”