Subway’s food is so vile that I expect this could actually be one of their least offensive offerings, except for the bread of course, every loaf of which is apparently put through a de-flavorizing machine before service.

I note that McDonald’s food would be inedible at the 30-minute mark. Their food seems to me to have a half-life of about four minutes (the point which half of its edibility has vanished).

We have a lemon tree that produces far more than we (and our neighbors) can use, and this is a perfect use for the ones that fall on the ground. Lemon smells nicer than vinegar, too.

Nope. In my city Parking Enforcement would have been there inside of 15 minutes, gleeful as they are to extract their tow-and-ticket revenue from the scofflaw. I would have had my phone out calling them the instant I saw this.

1. His wife doesn’t trust him to be in the company of another woman without trying to fuck her.

Oh sure, but for now I’ll skip the cream. But when I’m 80 ... I’ll have the feckin’ cream.

These days I wish people would keep their supernatural superstitions to themselves and with regard to my and my husband’s lives, and the lives of our entire community, to mind their own fucking business, quite honestly.

I stopped reading when you said “God.”

I’m not sure if I’ll go quite that far (it’s an expensive habit), but I’m surely going to stay tipsy all day, like the Queen Mother did. I might just be a lady and wait until the chimes of noon for my first gin & Dubonnet, though.

Dear James Fields: Die in prison, motherfucker.

Really, y’all? I want garlic-scented cologne! (*rubs a clove of garlic behind each ear*)

Garlic powder is shite when compared to fresh garlic, which is one of the world’s great flavors. Smash the clove flat with a big knife, pick up the peel, rock the knife back and forth for ten seconds, CHOPPED.

I fucking despise cops.

 And radar locks onto ... lens flares?

Because battered and deep-fried food is unhealthy. It’s a sometimes food, not a staple.

But they’re battered and deep-fried, and this is a problem.

Gram for gram, the Impossible Burger (last time I tried it) actually had more saturated fat than a beef burger, thanks to the coconut oil they use for mouthfeel. I’ve heard that there’s now Impossible Burger 2.0 that has somewhat less sat fat, but I haven’t seen it or tried it.

I’m not the Secretary of Housing and Urban Development, and I know what a fucking REO is.

What the fuck is it with kids and chicken nuggets? I DON’T GET IT. (I don’t have kids, so maybe I’ll never understand.)

Yep, number one — our family had an official Vomit Pot throughout my entire life at home and those of my two siblings. When I was little and suddenly said to my parents that my tummy hurt and I started making gagging noises, Mom grabbed a heavy pot out of the kitchen and managed to get it under me just before I…