“I mean, it’s just something that’s been there since I was a kid,” continued Pierce, “regardless of what my dad said to me, regardless of all the messages I got from the media, or what my friends told me. I knew early... pre-pubescent, even; I remember feeling a little funny in the locker-room showers, or getting…

Oh, Sophia.

FYI: most flavors of Trader Joe's superpremium ice cream— especially but not exclusively the basic chocolate, vanilla, and coffee— are superlative.

Even worse, Sharper's coverage skills just aren't what they used to be.

"I look swollen? Really? Huh. It's funny, but I can't even remember a time when it didn't look like this."

-Crosby, in interview with a ficus

This could have all been ended with one well-placed bear claw.

That's a bit surprising; according to those familiar with the voting body, write-in "D. Guy Swhoneverplayedthegame" seemed to be a shoo-in by acclamation.

Yes, yes, yes, but how is his brisket?

What with its ash smell and proximity to both the county seat and raisin country, it is, however, California's unofficial taint.

EAT
MOAR
COWNSULING

+1

So that's why Griffin is so sore at him, and everything.

Secret Service Agent 1: I'm only going to ask you one more time. Are you working with anyone else?
Secret Service Agent 2: ANSWER him, you slippery son of a bitch!
Secret Service Agent 1: Are you working with anyone else? Anyone else? Yes or no?
Seal: [Leans forward]
Seal: [Coughs]
Seal: [Claps twice]
Secret Service Agent…

"This is horrific— I've never seen anything before like this over something so trivial," said absolutely nobody present.

PR Flak: Ha! That looks FANTASTIC. Pass some over here, Cristiano.
Ronaldo: [Eats every last bit of cake himself]

Customer: I love tap water! We've relied on the tap for years, and it's always served me well. The tap should be just fine.
Ditka: [Overhears; signals to waiter to send in Perrier, because fuck the tap]

/+1

Dog: [Pants]
Dog: [Looks around]
Dog: [Is overloaded by stimuli]
Dog: [Eyes widen]
Dog: [Pants wildly]
Dog: [Flails]
Dog: [Evacuates bowels]
Dog: [Is escorted from field]
Dog Trainer: [Shrugs up at crowd; mimes apology]
PA Announcer: He really left it out on the field, huh? [Chuckles] But seriously, fans, we're sorry for that…

KEN.

+1

[Stews over insult, inability to communicate anger]
[Shakes fist; slams hand on nearby wall]
[Light bulb]

-Louis Braille

Actual guitar arpeggio, or "ner ner ner ner" vocalization?