What kind of weirdo, absent allergies, hates peanut butter?

Tim, Greg, and Barry— what are your versions of what happened with Darrelle Revis on Tuesday?

Tom, Samer, and Shep McAllister— you can go love yourself.

Even worse, he's super-conflicted by how much he feels like Dookie.

Honestly, I'm not sure which one of these I love more.

I'm a free American individual, WHAT, ARE YOU GOING TO WIPE THE SUBWAY EJACULATE OFF MY JACKET LaPEL FOR ME, TOO, BLOOMBERG

God, I'm so goddam sick of these shameless, self-glorifying prostitutes, smiling as they drape themselves in whorish iniquity, posing and preening like they aren't way past their sell-by date. But hey, at least one of their freshmen got to take photographs with a porn actress.

Klemko3:
We consider this matter to now be closed. So, we'll be happy to take you somewhere else— we know a place just a few blocks away that's just as good for just a little more of your time.

"I'm like, 'You're gonna live. You're not dying today. Today's not your day. Lady, if you start to code, I swear, I'm going to beat the fucking life into you.' "

+1

"JesusjesusjesusJESUS. Oh, good GOD, that's got me jumpy, now."

-Hunter Pence, reacting to a brushback pitch, someone in the second row screeching his name, a malfunctioning car alarm across the street, the yowling of a stray tomcat, whining drills from a construction site down the block, the first pitch of an…

Cain: You are about to show me things that have not yet happened... but will happen in the time before us, is that so, Spirit?
Spirit: [Folds of cloak recede, as if nodding]
Cain: Lead on, then, Spirit. The night is waning fast. [Peers ahead into mist] I see... runners on second and third. With nobody out? And we're…

Bochy Gives Tremendous Head
But I'd Rather Make A Questionable Decision With Yost

THEY'RE ALL GONNA LAUGH AT YOU! THEY'RE ALL GONNA LAUGH AT YOU, AND TELL YOU EXACTLY WHAT YOU'VE DONE WRONG, AND SUGGEST, LIKE, A MILLION OTHER MOVIES THAT YOU SHOULD HAVE PICKED INSTEAD!

Make light of it as is your wont, Tom, but... well, there's no other word for it— this is vulgar. Call me an old reactionary, but I far prefer the more dignified methode-de-celebration of my childhood, when fans would celebrate a Royals World Series appearance with a fitful, desultory three-decade dry-hump.

+1

Considering the ensuing troubles, I think everybody involved will concede that the decision to take these photos today was not a good Friday agreement.

"This is embarrassing," said a Buccaneers representative. "We offer no defense."

Finally, do keep an eye out for symptoms for up to a week following your visit:

Makes sense— anyone who's ever watched Carroll do his thing knows he'll do virtually anything to give no offense.

It's pretty obvious he has no interest in the rugby guy, if he's not even going to TRY

[Sprints away]
[Drops humor standards]
[Punts humor standards several yards away]
[Stands upright; points two fingers horizontally]