Somewhere in another universe, a goldfish bride is gluing a naked, drowning family of four from Dearborn, Michigan to a tiny, decorative house, finishing up final preparations the night before her wedding.

Calling shenanigans on #4 cause ours were super cute for our southern wedding. Not really sure how the original people got theirs so yellow, cause we used veg oil and it didn’t look like pee.

This just looks like pee to me. Nothing says forever like jars of urine.

Can I just rage about how much I hate non-flower bouquets? Perhaps it was because I once had to hold a tetanus bouquet at a friend’s wedding, and was later hit in the head with one during the toss (it actually lascerated me), but I just don’t see the appeal. The one pictured looks like someone emptied their…

Argh, I hate the way people treat fish as disposable. Bettas need at least 2-3 gallons and a filter, if you don’t have live plants. Goldfish can live for 5+ years if you take care of them right (they produce a lot of ammonia and need a good filter and plenty of space).

Burlap anything ugh. Gross. A friend who was planning her wedding at the same time I was planning my subtly vintage polka dot wedding had the nerve to call burlap “vintage”. I suggested gingham if she was going for vintage and she said, “EW. GINGHAM ISNT VINTAGE!”

Speaking of which. I’ve had some of the roughest sex when it comes to guys who are severely repressed, and subdued.

“Homosexual Acts”

Since PTQ is on indefinite hiatus, I’d appreciate any anecdotes y’all have about giving into pressure from yourself, the WIC and/or family and friends on “Things You Have to Have (tm)” schemes where you later wished you had ignored the noise and done things your own way. I’m currently planning a wedding and really…

oh. my. god.

OMG this is so good.

Can someone, pretty please, conduct a study about the women who buy hook line and sinker into these marketing schemes that eventually become a Thing(tm)You(tm)Have(tm)To(tm)Have(tm)For(tm)Your(tm)SpecialDayofSnowflakery(tm)?

And this is why I am working on my elopement announcements (trying to find just the right way to say “No one was invited to my wedding”—a girl can dream, right?)

I’m not 100% sold on eloping yet, but I get closer every time I price stuff like renting slipcovers for folding chairs. And get told about yet one more thing…

Does it count if you go sit in front of a nearby body of water with a 6-pack and chill together? Because I plan to moon it up like that. $7.99 + gas.

I know the joke you’re making here (which is sad but true), but I’m still going to take the opportunity to give props to Maryclaire Deal, AP’s cops/courts reporter in Philly. She chased the documents and in the end brought important information to light.

Smokey Mountains! We’re west coasters, but everyone showed up in Tennessee. It was awesome! Found a place on VRBO. They have a good for weddings modifier that you can use when you search.

I’m 36 and have two kids (3 and 6 months). A friend of mine is getting married next year in New Orleans. I’m ditching the kids, ditching the husband, and am off to have the time of my fucking life. Another friend, same exact boat? Same plan. We want a party wedding, damn straight.