People should stop being so sensitive.

The real facepalm moment is that it took me all of fifteen seconds while reading this story to come up with an alternate slogan. "Bavarian Black Lager - We'll make your taste buds say the safe word." You even get to keep the specious S&M imagery that way.

I added a few entries; I didn't want to just re-release it without any new content. I figure three additional entries made it worthwhile.

Thank you, I appreciate it. It's a long time ago now, but we all make similar mistakes when we're 18 and 19, no?

My secret for an amazing Thanksgiving: Spending it at Disneyland.

I know I've mentioned this, but my Thanksgiving Secret Weapon is my credit card, yo. I ordered the entire dinner online, from Whole Foods two weeks ago, in bed, while sipping some pino grigio. I did this last year, and the food was seriously fucking good. Last year my sister was over, behaving like the New York…

Pumpkin pies. The best. And typically ruined, because of a simple mistake: using canned pumpkin.

This year it's Lazy Magnolia Southern Pecan, which is not available in my goddamn state so a friend shipped me some when one of her friends went somewhere they distribute. I am really excited about that damn beer.

Alcohol and Sadness.

We are a family of Indian immigrants, so we enjoy Thanksgiving way more than most American families do. My uncle gets really excited and gifts us with matching ugly sweaters and my mother finds new ways to fuck up the turkey every year. We sing karaoke and finally order pizza and do drunk dancing. its tight shit yo

Here's a protip for the long con. Tell people you were diagnosed with mild IBS and you'll have that excuse locked and loaded for the rest of your life.

My secret weapon is "I need to study" or "I need to go to the library" if I want to be left alone for a while. College students for the win!

Rye and ginger ale. 1:4, to avoid early burnout.

My "trick" is the day after (or the day after the day after) Thanksgiving, I use up any leftover dark meat turkey by making turkey enchiladas.

Literally everything that ends up being served involves a fuckton of butter.

For real, do you guys even need to ask?

Oh, man, did I love Only Lovers Left Alive.

Come to the House of Waffle. Enjoy our hash browns. Order them scattered, smothered and covered. Ignore the waffles, for they are inferior to the hash browns.