Wife and I were camping. On the first night things start getting hot and heavy in the tent. I was having serious difficulties getting the condom on in the dark so she turns on a 1500 lumen flashlight aimed square at my peen. Got the condom on no problem but then laughter erupts from the neighboring campsites. We…

HAHAHAAH YES. I had that in my original post (got edited out for TL/DR purposes). If I was a happily unpregnant person heading out to a bar for a night of drinking myself into a disco karoke marathon and you told me OOPS you're pregnant, Burt, the first goddamn thing I would reach for is a stiff drink.

I did not have ANY allergies until I moved from Texas to Oregon, and then back to Texas. Texas is always a bad idea, just in case you weren't aware.

Did you take a cookie and stare her directly in the eye while you ate the whole thing in one bite?

One of the few things I liked about my two years living in the South: finding out that "bless your heart" was essentially code for "fuck you, you idiot." Not even kidding — I fucking LOVE that.

I call my mom everyday because I'm a weirdo and she's one of the few people who will listen to every goddamn thing I have to say. I don't talk to my dad that much because he's kind of a '50s non-emotional dad, but he does drunk dial me monthly and since he upgraded his flip-phone to an Android (lol) he has…

My girlfriend is going to have to hear me shouting "HOW DO YOU BANANAS" at her periodically for the rest of the day, and I'm going to blame you for it.

In high school, I was informed that I was chair of the IBTC, so you should promptly remove that from your resume.

I was also given detention for responding to that particular gentleman that we couldn't all be blessed with his cleavage. I'm gonna go add that to mine.

I don't want to detract from the discussion of this tragedy by splitting hairs, but, I feel this needs to be said...

"As kids." Yeah...totally...never eaten any of these as an adult, nope, I'm mature and feed myself like a real grown-up.

Ah, Fruit by the Foot and Fruit Roll ups came in quite handy when my geeklets requested I make candy sushi in lieu of cake at last year's birthday party.

"I expect I'll soon be receiving the nomination notification for Investigative Journalism."

I'll skip the Hoagie and take the infamous footlong Hamm roll instead.

Wet N Wild black lipstick was good, but the trick was to line and fill in your lips with black eyeliner pencil and THEN apply the lipstick. That way it wouldn't rinse off when you cried tears of despair, DUH.

This is how she promoted the AMA. Under those circumstances, I don't think it was inappropriate of me to ask questions of her that have been asked of me, though generally I'm not in the habit of asking women I don't know about dildos. (You all should absolutely keep asking me about your dildos though! I do not at all…

alpacalipsnow: "Oh, God!"

God: "Yes?"

alpacalipsnow: "Oh, God!"

God: "Yes, child?"

alpacalipsnow: "Oh, God!"

God: "WHAT, for fuck's sake?"

alpacalipsnow: "Oh God oh God oh God!"

God: "What, what, what??? I... oh, Me damn it, this again? You know, it would be nice to hear from you once in a while when you're NOT all sweaty…

You know man made religion when your god hates all the same people you do.

I don't think that's sad at all. I hope these bigoted organizations continue to drive people away until they evaporate into nothing.

As a Canadian: