Wonderful.

This is my favorite by a mile.

The Chicago Bulls won three consecutive championships on two separate occasions. Some say Michael Jordan willed them to happen. Hopefully the 16 people who were shot to death in Chicago last weekend also left wills.

Pretty racist not to let Bigfnjewishdick l'chaim that prize.

I think the real trophy is the outstanding education each and every one of these student-athletes earn at their respective NCAA® institution of higher learning.

I know you're all excited guys, but it was actually a different Placido Domingo.

+1

Now hey, should we trust any big corporation not to lie to us? Of course not. But we don't have to, now do we?

Theory: Vaccines cause autism.

*WE NOW INTERRUPT THIS AWFUL STORY FOR YOUR DUMB JOKE MINUTE OF THE DAY™*

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

If I wanted to get a beer without engaging with a human being, I'd just get one from the kitchen, knowing my cruel, heartless wife is probably next door continuing her affair with my stupid son of a bitch neighbor Gary.

See!! Friends forever!

Aww. You don't really mean that.

Clint: Do it. Do it!
Tim: No you do it!
Clint: [giggling]
Tim: [giggling]
Clint: Hey Mr. President... you got a Secret Service guy named Bill Sass?
Obama: Why no... Why no, I don't believe so... Hold on, Hillary's right here, I'll check with her... Hey Hillary, have you seen Bill Sass anywhere?
Hillary: [eye roll]
Clint: [dyi…

Dr. Rorschach: Und tell me, vat do you see?
Test Participant 1: Sad clown.
Dr. Rorschach: [sighs]
Dr. Rorschach: [checks "minor depression"]
Test Participant 2: Angels.
Dr. Rorschach: [sighs]
Dr. Rorschach: [checks "normal"]
Test Participant 3: A easy onsie to keep you cool and collected when you're pounding the pavement.
Dr…

This. Rules. +1

[reels]
[reels]
[reels]
[hauls in 200 pound bluefin tuna]
[tosses on huge pile of fish]
Look, I know it's crazy. But it works.
[puts another woman on the hook]

+1