A very confused Bengals front office immediately offered him a five-year, $100 million contract.

That was a weird "denial." Never really denies sleeping with Johnson, just says that "the rumor" started while she and her husband were separated (but not divorced). Almost like she was saying, "Yeah, I had sex with Dustin Johnson, it just happened while I was on the rebound, not married."

That's because you can't get suspended for coke when you work for deadspin. Remember Daulerio was the editor in chief ( or whatever ) here.

Homeboy is from Myrtle Beach... is this shit a surprise?

To be fair, the student in question is Brandon Weeden.

I may be going out on a limb here, but I kinda get the feeling the NCAA doesn't really care about academics. Is it just me?

He's a man! He's 40!

Sure, run along kid, the grownups need to talk.

Every time I read your name I imagine thats's how John Travolta would pronounce Dylan McDermott's name.

"Guys, what I was trying to say was..."

I think he is literally going to make the exact same argument he did on the show and not even realize it.

I love that he wastes so much time with tough-guy posturing, too. He makes sure we know he'll kick an ass if it touches one of his female possessions, though said possession could save him the trouble by rethinking her tone before it gets that far.

Q.E.D.

Share anything notable that you find in the report. Here's a song called "Brigham Young is a Goddamn Queer."

Former Ohio State quarterback Terrelle Pryor suspended five games for receiving impermissible benefits while playing at Ohio State.

Oh, also, I hate myself.

Just do it.

This* is why Deadspin exists. Awesome work.

I would add that another reason sportswriters enable or ignore this behavior is that our culture as a whole still treats violence toward women less seriously than other forms of violence. (Look at the current controversy over rape reportage on college campuses, for example.)