Well, he did shit the floor that one time.

Judges are from another planet, man. Current law clerk.

I am sorely disappointed that this story didn’t end with a groovy thumping bass and the line “Now how about we take your briefs into my chambers.....”

The dude that sent me a flaccid dick pic accompanied by “suck thy flesh, zoo” hasn’t been immortalized on this list? Pssh. Maybe he secretly runs Jezebel.

Mouton also tells a similar story of when he sacked Tom Brady, and Brady told him he would, “Knock the wind out of him.”

“An anonymous Clinton official also reportedly said that despite her new commitment to campaign finance reform, she can’t be expected to “unilaterally disarm” and stop relying on PAC money, when the Republicans use it too.”

I can’t remember where I saw it (Cribs??) but there was a show where you got to see this island in the Caribbean owned by Richard Branson. And on this island he has this massive house. And in this house he has a toilet, which is outside but secluded and looks out over the ocean.

might want to reconsider when you see what i’m getting

“So: what totally frivolous item would you buy if you suddenly became filthy rich? “

So my parents bought their retirement home from a wealthy, childless gay couple. Y’all, this spot is wall-to-wall party showers. We’re talking minimum 25 square feet in the smallest one with 3 shower heads, and the master bedroom with, no fucking shit, 12 heads total and enough room to comfortably fit at least 10-15…

Depends

Yelling is like sexting with the public. In college my friend got “I WANNA PEE IN YOUR BUTT”

All the best silly sexts are from my gf. I remember her saying that she liked the consistency of muscles because it reminded her of a penis skeleton. Not a penis made of bone, she clarified, but a whole skeleton made of penises. And that was a sexy thought to her. All that while sexting.

Dude I sometimes have fun with. I wasn’t aware my tits needed to be fucked properly till he told me. I found out 4 days later he had a brand new girlfriend. Hence the emojii name.

you know jake from state farm?

Footage from my clinical research

I remember in the last election at some Romney fundraiser they interviewed some crazy 1%ers on the way in and some crazy white ladies were like, "our nail ladies don't understand that obama/democrats are hurting them!" and all the manicurists in the world were like, seriously bitch?

Sepp Blatter and the Goblet of Slavery

Also the Tom they were talking about is Thomas Paine. They are real Patriots after all.