So a guy spends the off season learning how to hit harder so he can transition to safety and he ends up in jail? No good deed, man.

When I was 15 years old, I tried hallucinogens for the first time.

“Let’s Remember Some Guys - Financial Edition”

So what are the odds that that these lifelong gamblers have parlayed their hobby into multiple divorces? 

I’m going to my 2nd New Year’s Eve wedding in the last 3 years. I’m not pleased. How do you guys feel about scheduling weddings and such on a holiday?

This is just a crazy idea I have, but...

Yup. Baseless and evidence-free claims from his political rivals that Obama wanted to be a dictator are exactly the same as taking Trump at his actual word. Exactly the same.

boasts a “Defcon 1 Nuclear” wing sauce

Big Sam is a preposterous personality and has limited tactical sophistication and I’m so glad he’s back. None more English.

Wait - who goes to such crazy lengths to buy trees? I bought a real tree at Home Depot. It’s 7 feet tall and only cost $40.

Yeah, listen to Bernie Wagenblast* over here

Raise your children to be kind, teach them that possessions are less important than people, and also buy them Christmas presents. You can do all these things when you’re taking a break from gazing at your navel.

They’re all 35+, so I can’t account for it.

I know they were last seen relaxing on a beach, but aren’t Billy Ray and Winthorpe almost definitely in prison at this point? It was probably the most blatant example of insider trading the SEC would have ever seen.

Throwing a guy off the team bus and then making him call his own cab is a real power play.

I can only hope to one day have children so wonderful.

Who let Joe Pytka start commenting here?

Yeah, but this shitty conservative president has both houses of Congress and the SCOTUS. They can and will do things no decent person would dream of.

I sat at a Brooklyn sports bar inside a galleria

Andres Galarraga’s dad must be so old.