The cheapest Coachella pass this year is $629, so...

If only the IRS would accept some sort of electronically filed returns, I bet it would be a real hit with young folks.

That shit happened in 2009?!?

But what kind of handjob was it? Original recipe? Extra crispy? SKINLESS?!?

New business idea: buy black fishnets, say they were once Marilyn Monroe’s, sell them on eBay to pervs who want to defile them.

If your tax situation is at all complicated...just hire a damn accountant. Really, it’s the best option. For a few hundred dollars a trained professional will sort this shit out for you.

Anything that reminds the world what a colossal obstructive dick Thomas Jefferson was is fine by me.

There has never been a better time in history to open an independent, brick-and-mortar bookstore. I hope they’re set up near a Blockbuster!

#notallnurses? Really?

You could say there’d be a total breakdown of...

...“Lazy Sunday” aired in the winter of 2005. I remember it vividly. I watched SNL cross-legged on the floor of my parents’ family room and watched, mouth agape. It was like nothing I had seen before, but in fairness, I was 14.

They couldn’t guarantee when the episode would air one way or the other because they couldn’t have known at the time which episode her segment would feature in or if it would be used at all. They just shoot segments and slap them together to make episodes based on whatever works thematically.

My eyes just rolled so hard they fell out of my head and now I am blind.

Let’s harass these communities to foster a sense of otherness and persecution so they don’t become disillusioned radicals!

If you’re going to break into the zoo and eat one of the animals, you should probably go for one of the species that isn’t riddled with chlamydia.

It was almost 20 years ago now and I still can’t believe it happened. Like, if I saw it in a screwball college movie it would strike me as too dumb to be believed. Realizing exactly how negligent I had been was incredibly humbling in the moment, but now I can look back on it and see how it’s funny.

Naw, I get it. It’s like the time I showed up for my chem lab final and it turned out that not only had I missed it, but was in fact now late for a completely different final for which I hadn’t prepared.

This is AMERICA!

Average is being really fucking generous, man. It’s like seafood as imagined by someone who’s only seen it in Red Lobster commercials.

I say it’s high time we make “Comstocking” a slang term for a sex act. Suggestions?