The secret ingredient in this shot was the Ambien the kid took 3 hours earlier.

Who’s gonna pay for - oh, right! We’ll make them pay!

When the sun rises in the west and sets in the east. When the seas go dry and mountains blow in the wind like leaves.

“I have taken quite a bit of final exams and alternative medicine courses.”

Because they don’t want the people watching the news (heh) to flip away as soon as the credits roll over the fake banter between the anchors. It serves as a reminder to stick with Channel 11 until you’ve fallen asleep on the couch watching Seinfeld.

People say that shit every time. Lots of Hillary supporters were saying it around this time in 2008!

New Hampshire could lose tourism dollars if women are wandering public places with their breasts uncovered.

This is the best thing to happen to the Buffs since I was a freshman and Chauncey Billups was patiently waiting to leave for the NBA.

Ross Perot was comedy gold. And his running mate, Admiral James Stockdale, was no comedy slouch either. Dana Carvey and Phil Hartman playing those two on SNL are all-time highlight material.

A Tiger Woods proof-of-life truther!

I’m sorry, but I’m having trouble focusing on Hitler’s dick because I have a sepia-toned image of a young immigrant boy wearing shrunken wood fiber pants stuck in my head and it’s killing me.

“I’ve never been a traditional guy.”

Robin Van Persie has always struck me as the kind of guy who would try to fuck your wife.

Plain seltzer wins again!

Marcus Mitchell’s screen grab is an affont to good taste.

Even if that room were filled with gleeful supporters gazing rapturously at a triumphant Carly Fiorina, it would be one of the saddest looking damn rooms I’ve ever seen.

I’m picturing a young Mike Francesa in 1969, shouting down the Jets fans on his block.

He was a very bad singer in his prime, so I can’t imagine it’s better now.

a/k/a the “Not-So-Great Live Acts Tour”

Yeah, and I bet she’s not even one of the five people you meet in Heaven.