I was recently paired with some millennials who asked if I minded “some tunes” as we played.

Clinton’s term ended in the 21st century, kind sir.

Watson, you devil.

Easiest way to tell if a store is owned by an American? Ask them to point out literally anyplace else on a map.

Doctors are way more lax about this shit than moms are.

It’s almost like if you have to talk about something enough times on the record, you’ll eventually say something that isn’t quite right and probably isn’t even really what you meant so the internet can pounce on it.

Sounds like Christmas is launching an offensive against streaming porn Netflix.

Why just white devils? #alldevilsmatter

Ever see a wild turkey in The Bronx? I did, once. If I had to pardon a turkey, I’d go find him.

Poor Tim Hasselbeck.

See, this stuff right here is why I never understood the big outcry when Disney tossed out the EU. There were a handful of cool stories buried under a mountain of pure amateurish garbage. I will gladly sacrifice Thrawn to free the stories from the shackles of this kind of nonsense.

In a sense, yes. In that the workers together form the proletariat, which runs the government, etc. The main thing is that the means of production are not in private hands in a Communist state.

Communism is the one where the government owns the means of production.

L-i-v-i-n, man.

I’m always amazed that more rich dudes like this don’t check out of their careers and then just fuck off to do whatever they want. To me that’s the whole point of being rich.

I’m a man and I pooped twice this morning. Never let it be said that I don’t go all out for holidays.

You’ve gotta be a weird cat to have a kid who’s worried that someone’s not thinking of the children.

If you donated to this Kickstarter, I’ve got a bridge and maybe some pencils to sell you.

Freedom of religion is only the first right enumerated in the First Amendment to the Constitution, so it’s pretty easy to forget about.

Definitely gonna get one of these and wear it as a hairy yarmulke at Passover next year.