They drank until their national accent changed? How’d they do that? Heck, I’m not even mad. That’s amazing!

“This Blatter guy is making some very valid points.” - Dennis Hastert

I don’t believe there’s any such thing as printer-customer confidentiality.

I’ve felt bad for David the whole season, really. He fucked up and hurt his wife, but he’s not the first person to stray in a marriage. It’s really common from what I understand!

Hey, girl.

Step 1: act like a decent, normal adult human.

But surely down-the-pants groping could still be on the table?

There was copious grinding at my 8th grade dance in 1992! Lots of ass to crotch action, and somehow we ended up ok.

Kids - take the bonfire. You can show up to that thing high as fuck and nobody will notice because you’re standing next to a big-ass fire in the dark. And then wander off to fool around in the woods!

I’m pretty sure if you look at the passenger manifest, that boat was nothing BUT crackers.

Yes, let’s allocate funding to the maintenance of flimsy temporary poop shacks. Ashes to ashes, motherfucker.

Hold on - 16,500 square feet?!? My sister-in-law’s house is about 6,000 (with an open floor plan) and every time I’m there I think of what a massive waste of energy it is to heat and cool all that space. I can’t even fathom 16,500.

I just started thinking about my high school girlfriend and then how that was a long time ago and then remembered that holy shit she didn’t even have a cordless phone in her house let alone the Internet and now I’m old and my knee hurts for no reason.

Hey, girl. I like what you have to say on this subject. Let’s hang out and get some pizza or something.

This comment is literally everything that conservatives fear liberals want the government to do.

Tim Allen has a new show? Weird.

This is shameful. We all agree. Now on to more pressing issues...

I hear you. I’m advocating mornings because there’s less of a chance for regular life bullshit to get in the way when you knock it out first thing. Don’t even give the world a chance to derail you.

Instead of, not in addition to.

Work out in the morning.