Word salad? That’s So Palin!

Phone charger. For god’s sake, bring your phone charger.

A hyped up music video release? It’s like I’m still a kid and Michael Jackson is alive and Reagan is the President!

A story about immigrants and workers' rights? I can't wait until someone asks a Republican candidate their thoughts on the matter.

Great. Now the city is going to have to spend extra money to control the bear population. I hope you’re all happy.

On the contrary, the constant stream of high-quality dick pics my smartphone allows me to send is the only thing keeping us together.

I detect a distinct note of poop-shaming in this post. I thought you were better than this, Jez.

That doesn’t explain why he was put on the $20 bill 100 years after he was elected, but ok.

Lots of shitty people are also very fascinating people. They’re not mutually exclusive. I’d argue that the most interesting people are almost always regarded as assholes by someone.

I’ve never understood how Jackson was on the $20 bill in the first place. He was an imbecile who contributed to a substantial economic depression with his misguided ideological opposition to a central bank which would have allowed the federal government an actual measure of control over monetary policy. The dude…

I think saying it doesn’t age well is being very, very polite.

There are people who watch that show as a guilty pleasure. I don’t really get it, but fine. However these people have completely lost perspective and should have any vehicles, weapons, or children removed from their homes immediately.

Just yesterday morning the shark was in the waters I’ve spent my summers swimming in all my life. Like, right up the street from my mom’s house. So weird to think about.

You can also track her right here. You can track a shark all over the world! What a time to be alive, people!

I don’t know who a lot of these people are because I’ve been following Crystal Bowersox on tour for the last 5 years.

Sandra Lee aside, drink mixes are dumb and make a worse drink than you would have made otherwise. A margarita has three ingredients. Three! Mix them yourself!

They have enough money to build wherever they’d like, so how about literally anywhere that’s not essentially the middle of a swamp? Maybe by the beach? Just spitballing here.

There are so many things to puzzle at with this house, but the one I really can’t wrap my head around is that they chose to build the damn thing in central Florida.

It’s clever how they didn’t have him hurting her on purpose. Very, very slick.

Now there’s a man who’ll take his penis out on the subway.