If only the team had been sponsored by a distillery...

Her whole profile could have been shortened to "I AM EXTREMELY CONFRONTATIONAL! GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?"

I heard that if you say Lena Dunham's name 3 times while looking in the mirror your Twitter account gets optioned by HBO.

The thoughts hypothetical people hypothetically think are the most disturbing of all. Think of all the straw men burning!

"It would be disturbing to think that she may be using her abortions as a way to gain political favor with Democratic voters," Horne added.

I'm just assuming that since it doesn't say she used the motorcycle as a masturbatory instrument or whether it was running at all, that she was doin' it manual style.

You should always use protection.

This headline is so misleading. She wasn't making love to a motorcycle, she was making love to her fingers on a motorcycle. Apples and dildos, Mark.

Do you ever feel like you can't eat, drink, or enjoy anything because you're constantly worried about how it will impact your health?

"I'd say that on a scale of 1 to 10, with one being the least evil and 10 being the most, it was a 5 or 6. So I guess it was midevil."

The iPhone 6 seemed so harmless.

That quote reads like a line by a Tracy Morgan character.

But if you have to ask for consent, you might not receive it. And that is simply an unacceptable state of affairs for a rapist. Seems like you haven't considered it from their point of view, tbh.

That second paragraph just got Mark uninvited from any and all future Jezebel staff weddings.

"Though you may believe your hand is shaped like a home, it is not."

I like this story because I rarely get the opportunity to see human feces outside of the toilet setting. It's a refreshing perspective!

Or I could take $100 and make better pasta at home and still eat my fill over the same period.

I guess it's not really weird, but I love listening to my girlfriend shut someone down in an argument. After that happens we need to immediately head someplace where pants are not required.

The phone still isn't as old as her hairstyle. #sickburn

Her mother also reportedly loved lamp.