I think you could argue that Big Ange is dangerously close to doing Blackface.

Do the Darwin Awards have some sort of Dishonorable Mention?

I have an uncle named Gary. He's a retired cop.

Open bar? Drink in each hand. Problem solved. ;)

I was at my senior homecoming, looking hot and dancing my ass off, or so I thought.

I made the horrible mistake of attempting gummy vitamins, and boy, oh boy did I pay the price. They made me so gassy. I was at work, on my period, and trying to (quietly) fart my way to freedom on a beautiful summer Friday while at work. Suddenly, I get the “I don’t think this is farts anymore” feeling.

That is the best response to being barfed on. May we all laugh in this situation! Being drunk probably helps.

Yeah, that must have been really hard for you, having a cold while your friend was mourning the loss of a child. How did you and your expert husband and wonderful children ever cope with such a dilemma?

they will stay perky after your death

Everyone knows Khloe is the best kardashian

I knew a guy in college who never went to this one class. Around the time the midterm is coming up, he goes to his section. At the end, he asks the TA when the midterm is again. She says, "Tu..." and he's thinking "Tuesday," but what actually comes out is "Two o'clock."

He and his friend have done no reading and gone…

A party for ghosts who fuck?

Part of why I felt this qualified as the dumbest excuse I have ever heard is that he was unable to explain to me how the kilt, specifically, contributed to his subsequent back pain, but he claimed to be pretty sure it was the kilt and not anything else. I think he did feel that wearing pants would have been a better…

I'm a heavy sleeper so I think the excuse was rooted in my fear of that really happening. I also love a good decorative pillow, so the danger is real.

Hopefully, you've learned that most dealers will match you when you smoke with them...

Well, they say it's best to catch it early.

Oh lovely, a new way to never shut the fuck up about Crossfit.

This isn't my wedding, but a lady I used to work with casually dropped that she had 60k gladiolas planted in Argentina a year in advance for her wedding and they got the color balance wrong and she was devastated.

Annnnd most of the comments are still people talking about how their wedding was/will be so much cheaper. C'mon! I wanna hear about excess, not sanctimony!

Just because we're old doesn't mean that we can't keep learning/growing as individuals.

For example, I just learned that Eminem had a daughter.