GODDAMNIT.

Seth Rogen is the single redeeming thing about James Franco.

I prepared my husband for potential birth poo months in advance and told him it was normal but that I was still terrified of it. He steeled himself. At one point during my labor he was watching that area as the nurse checked my dilation, then he somberly turned to me and said "It happened, you pooped. There is a brown…

When I had a short exam with a nurse the day after I had my son, she asked about when the last time I had pooped had been. My husband very helpfully corrected me. "When the baby was coming! You peed too!"

So, some of you may have little bits of this already.

For my second kid's birth, my epidural failed. Yep, apparently this is a thing that can happen. I had been in labor for about 12 hours and was exhausted. I got it just as things were getting intense, and was fine for about an hour. Then all of a sudden the pain came back full force, just as I was transitioning - the…

I also know someone who feels the same way about taking Ecstasy. The exact quote was "No, vomiting is awesome, because it makes you roll that much harder."

My doctor told me, "There are women who pooped during labour, and there are women who don't know they pooped during labour."

I signed up to comment to address the women who are terrified of every story and giving birth: I WAS YOU. I wanted a baby anyway, despite being really, really afraid of giving birth. When I was pregnant I cried to myself and my husband several times about how afraid I was. As I approached my due date, everyone kept…

Neato! I am told I won't give a shit (har har) either way, due to intense pain.

Of course I'm weighing in. Be warned, I am giving (almost) all the details.

Both of my sons! No yelling,4 hour labor, no tearing and each were roughly two pushes. My daughter on the other hand was a 9 pound red headed screaming cookie monster with a 12 hour labor and ripping in all 4 directions. Birth is a crap shoot, you don't know what you're getting until its too late.

Gah. Last time there was a horror story thread about childbirth on Jezebel, I was on the bus on my way to work, reading along on my phone. Then someone mentioned buckets, and isn't it crazy that the same supplies you buy at Home Depot can be used in delivery? NOPE. In horror, I shut my phone off, shut my…

I remember the nurse gently wiping my ass for me while I screamed at my husband, "LOOK AWAY, FOR GOD'S SAKE, LOOK AWAY".

Layered on top of each other all at once? Because that'll probably end up more like Michelin Man than Slender Man.

Are they going to have a "Sexy Slenderman" too? Because they always have a sexy version of everything.

I'm more offended by people who take the lazy route and buy their Halloween costumes than I am by any so-called "offensive" costumes. Stop taking people's Halloween costumes personally and just get on with your life. Or better yet, stay home and protect your delicate and sensitive eyes from people's irreverence and…

i will not let murdering tweens take slenderman away from me.

"My purse is my life. It has everything and anything that you can need, possible. Comes down to bills, the kids' insurance cards," she said.

This reminds me of that time my ex bought a large pizza for the both of us, but before the pizza came he dumped me, and I lost my appetite because heartbreak is filling.