I'm only liking this because of your phat rhyming skillz.

My cousin Claire is essentially a brunette version of Gwyneth Paltrow, right down to the fat-shaming, macrobiotic monomania and $200 cashmere socks. She gives out mini boxes of All-Bran cereal to trick-or-treaters in her fabulously wealthy Toronto neighbourhood, I shit you not.

Kanye, Kanye, KANYE. It's when you say things like that... people think you're insane instead of just a maybe-genius Level 99 Music Wizard. Comparing FLOTUS and Kim Kardashian is like comparing apples to durian fruit. One is delicious and wonderful and the other smells like poo. Not the same thing, friend!

She has an artistic vision of how her bank account should look.

I think Ashlee Simpson looked better before her surgery. She was unique, and pretty. I don't think she could be picked out of a line up even if she was wearing a name tag.

As someone who watches live performances regularly, I can say that if someone spent 10 minutes ranting and stroking their own ego, I would be pretty annoyed. It doesn't take more than a few seconds to get your point across. Fuck I hate pop music.

I hope that video isn't so short because the cat realized he could eat said bird. I don't trust my kitten enough to be near my cockatiel unsupervised. He keep looking at him and licking his lips.

Why doesn't my cat do anything cute?! The best I can get out of him is this:

Pencils of Promise is what I am going to name my all male burlesque stripshow.

YES! When they're that small, you can lie through your teeth and they will totally buy it. If they're primarily watching movies via DVD or Netflix or whatever, well that's just too bad, kids - Netflix is broken!

Being the most insufferable white woman at a brunch, I'm guessing.

I was just watching a documentary on the chimpanzee. I enjoyed watching the part where mumma chimpanzee put the placenta in a waterproof bag and then blogged about it. AHH NATURE.

Best story I ever heard was Cher being in a store and trying to pay for something on her card. The card machine didn't work and Cher says 'don't you know who I am?' and the sales assistant says 'yes I do but the card machine doesn't'.

i CANNOT wait until i'm famous and get to scream at people "do you know who i am?????????"

There was a major, 20+ year long study (began in 1989) that just came out (probably what that links to?) that showed no significant difference between "crack babies" (who are almost exclusively born into poverty) and other babies born into poverty. So actually, yes. Poverty. And we're not talking "going hungry for a…

I've also had an ileostomy and have had severe ulcerative colitis for the last seven years. Some people just don't have the luxury of hiding there bodily functions and fluids from there very wonderful and understanding significant others. As sexy as constant explosive and painful diarrhea has been for me ages 18-25. I…

My husband has an ileostomy bag (colon cancer survivor). Our son was delivered via c-section. One night, right after our son was born, his bag exploded and my incision ruptured, so we had a big 'ol shit-and-blood mess in our bed. BEAT THAT, NERDS!

Coats are amazing! Of course, we don't get very cold in CA so it's not like we are busting out the big guns or anything...If I lived somewhere that actually had winter I would be displeased with coats as well I bet.

I hear you, Melissa! I'm a guy, and I live in Houston, and I have a coat problem.

So I like a little sexytalk during sexytimes. But I don't think anything would dry my vagina up faster than hearing "that thing is swollen" followed by a reference to lunch baggies.