With the upcoming presidential election on the horizon and given the current worldwide political environment, the Zika virus, the collapse of oil prices, etc. which person on the Deadspin staff would be eaten first in a “snowed in at the office for days” scenario?

The article said “ejection” not “diner bathroom ejaculation".

The comments on this article are scorching. This is kinja at its finest.

I hope there’s a butler somewhere named James B. Ball-Player.

Why even bother with the period at the end? That’s like tipping in change at a restaurant.

Laces out Dan!

Don’t do it Tom.

What???!!!!

You know what I love about Deadspin? You’re never afraid to take a deserved shot at ESPN...which hosts the CFB playoff tonight. Damn, they’ve infiltrated my brain!

That one where the guy was the same but everyone else was different.

Hahahahahaha.

This article is a lot longer than I thought it would be. I just assumed it would say, “You can’t”.

What’s your level of statistical significance on 8 games? Is this what counts as good statistical analysis on this site now?

If the Cubs win the World Series this year, how much will Chicago burn after the victory riots? Down or too the ground?

Hahahaha you seem fun.

Damn autocorrect. More like autoincorrect amirite?! No but seriously, thanks for your tireless Internet comment grammar efforts. The world is a much better place. Ok, no need to get upset Ozzy; you just have to breath.

Kinda?! Kinda?! Damnit I was going for full asshole! Well, thanks for pointing this out. I’m going to have to try a little harder. Eat shit scumbag. Fuck your mother. Thanks!

How did you make it this far without wandering into traffic, choking on your dinner, and/or forgetting to breath?

Luke Wilson looks nervous in that photo.

“You have to work at a Perkins...”