I worked in ticketing for an NFL team for a while. We had a players’ wives section and a players’ mistresses section. Not even joking. 

You had me til this.

If you have dogs and you don’t let them lick the plates in the dishwasher then you are truly history’s greatest monster.

Thanks Salty. This column expresses the essence of the “Political Correctness” scourge that the right wing promises to save us from:

I’m so pleased to have had the experience of ordering a salad in Pittsburgh without knowing anything about what that entails. I’m a guy that orders salad only out of obligation to try to be kind of healthy, so when it came out, I could barely process what I was seeing. So awesome.

This is the right take. 

In defense of it going to review, if it turned out that the WRs knee was down before the ball came out, then you CAN overturn it and give it to the Bears. So the rule reads weird but it actually makes total sense in that context.

Age ain’t nothing but a number. A number that conveys how many years have passed since you were born.

One of these years we’ll get the ‘Zards-‘Zers NBA Finals we deserve.

Gotta love the guy who wants to make sure  you know he’s never done “any drugs” but boozes at volume on the regular.

It’s easy to forget that when you smell poop, it means tiny molecules of poop are flying through the air and up into your nose.

That’s fantastic. I really like how you use words.

Creating markets for emissions and taxing emissions are two of the more theoretically promising mechanisms to drive positive climate action.

Like Gronk was going to prevent a 69-yard touchdown from happening. 

[Kicks in door]

“Mr. Snyder, I think I just figured out how to make our team better AND how to get everyone to forget about Reuben Foster - at the same time!”

Time is a flat circle. 

“Look for the helpers” - Mr. Rogers

More hyperbolic liberal reporting desperately wanting human-caused global warming to be real, when actually the fossil record shows that Arco Arena regularly filled with smoke during the Paleozoic Era.

I’ve gone from hating the Green Zone to getting irritated that other broadcasts don’t have it, in just under two months.