I see your $50 and offer to pay $500 for the privilege of kicking his ass as long as someone will volunteer to witness that I was only 'standing my ground'.

I got Blue Moon by the Novi Singers and at first I was kind of bobbing my head, "this is some old school stuff, but I can get down" I thought. Then it started to sound like some sort of satantic ritual chanting.

I really like this idea, though, and I'm going to try again.

Boom goes the dynamite, indeed.

Next article: 25 fun things to do while hiding in the work bathroom after inevitable, uncomfortable, office breakup.

Albert, as per usual, you rock.

Albert, as per usual, you rock.

I want one for my cat and I'd like it to translate her thoughts into English with a thick Spanish accent. Or Mandarin. I'd take Mandarin.

So timely and (as per usual) so perfect. Now you just have to tell me how to pull off a turkey before Thursday.

What is "fish"?

I just want to say that I fucking love foodspin. It seriously makes me happy.

Also, most fish sandwiches are disgusting.

I'm suspicious of any substance that can't even narrow it down to a specific species (here's looking at you, McDicks).

Well, if we suppose that is true, straight ladies still need to appeal to their audience. I can't figure any straight men are into their woman looking like an M.C. Escher drawing or one of those horrific snow babies old women collect.

I don't know a straight man or lesbian woman who would get all hot and bothered at that mess. Maybe I don't get it?

Wow! I had no idea white women were the only women in Texas who ever got abortions!

Beth Orton's 'Ooh Child' is my anthem for shitty days. I've had it on loop for a few days and it feels like the only solace I have. Love her.

I feel like she uses other people to elevate herself. If she didn't think she deserved the cover, the time to say that is before being put on the cover.

Wow.

Oh, gag me. Lady MeatSuit shouldn't even be allowed to have Malala's name is her nasty, opportunistic mouth.

It's super weird that :

1) Someone who works as a prostitute doesn't know what "good in bed" means.

2) A prostitute would willingly and irreparably damage her reputation by admitting to sleeping with Justin Bieber.

Those toenails caught my eye. If you know the damn pope is coming to get all up on your cruds, wouldn't you at least give them a quick once over yourself?

Variety makes the world go 'round, friend.