Whoa. I Thee Dread recently followed me, so I guess I am out of the grays and have the power to bring others out of the grays. When I just starred your post, it turned from gray to black before my eyes. I feel...bizarrely powerful. Like I am magic. A benevolent magician, solidifying people with magnanimity.

I hear you. Mini just WOULD NOT LATCH. He'd clearly be hungry, I'd put him to the breast and he'd just look at me like, "Uhhh... no. I am aware of the bottle, that's easier. Get that."

The chief neonatologist at the very respected teaching hospital where I had MiniMinkoff poo-pooed my suggestion that it seemed my milk supply was simply not coming in sufficiently to feed Mini told me, "Nonsense. Any woman walking down the street out there can produce enough milk to feed that baby tomorrow. You have a…

For the benefit of all moms, future moms, and happily child-free friends of moms, I will share the words of my amazing pediatrician when it became clear that breastfeeding was not going to work for me and my son despite my increasingly frantic efforts:

Oh god, I forgot the artisan, coarse-twine bow, you're right!

Honestly, if I had a big ole dog, I would spray it, too. I've only ever had Corgis though, and they got just as pissed as the cats when the Febreeze comes out.

Why did you think I was trying to say something other than being outright racist?

With two kids and two cats, Febreeze (homemade or otherwise) is a lifesaver, even if just to temporarily eliminate odors when visitors come over. Wish I could just Febreeze the kids and cats directly, but Obama.

I believe you're supposed to make your own now. Vinegar, baking soda, and the essential oil of your choice. Mix with water in a squirt bottle. Put on a twee label and sell that shit outside the local farmers' market.

Febreeze is passe? Who decides this? Why didn't I get the memo?

Wait. Febreeze is passe?

We were WAY too tired. Wedding was an awesome day, we danced until 1 am and then went to our favorite bar and continued the drinking with friends and family until 3am. We went back to our room, got into t-shirts and underwear, counted all the money and read all the cards we got from our guests and passed the fuck out!…

If you don't want to wedding-plan, get married ASAP. The longer the engagement, the deeper the crazy.

Having just given birth to a white male, lemme tell ya, I feel the weight on my shoulders. My brothers turned out all right - my mom was a strong woman and a feminist, and they grew up to respect women, so hopefully I can repeat that success. I'm thinking about how long I can feasibly ban the internet.....

Let's be real, it's very very hard for a man to think of a woman as a human being unless they are related to one. Preferably if they have reproduced and had a girl. That gets the message through almost every time.

I'm not against the idea of porn, but even the nicest and mildest videos from mainstream companies where women are happy and everything, have titles like "bitch fucked blah blah", "little whore blah blah." And even those videos where women *want* to be porn stars and are all happy about having sex with a stranger in…

Who in the bloody hell is grateful for diarrhea in the rug? Not to be a whiner or anything (lol), but when I was potty training number 2 (who lived up to that name...on the carpet...a lot), all I was thinking was damn - can I just be the one to go to work for the next couple weeks? I don't think that poo carpet is an…

Yeah, there is nothing to be grateful for when you have shit in shag carpeting.

It's a perfectly fair argument that anyone who isn't in Liberia, dying alone in agony from Ebola on a hospital's tile floor should shut the fuck up. It's a good thing to keep in the back of your mind to keep your life in perspective, and to perhaps spur you to improve the world so everyone has better choices.

I am thankful that I have the option of wearing my pajamas until noon. I am thankful that I don't have to answer to some sleazy boss who tries to look down my blouse. I am thankful that I dont have to rush home after a long day at work to thaw Stouffer's lasagna. I am thankful that I was the one to clean the baby…