That’s what he’s so mad about. He got the job and realized he couldn’t actually BE a dictator. 

This thing is adorable. They designed it this way so that no one would want to shoot at it, right?

Bikini Bottom = Bikini Atoll, no?

How about People’s Temple? I heard they serve awesome cocktails.

Imagine a thousand of these raining down on your city. Honestly, pretty terrifying. I’d take the nuke. 

Oh no

China spends more on internal security than externally-focused national defense.

“I didn’t know that it was a crime to write a good book which turns out to be a bestseller,...So again, I don’t apologize for writing a book that was number three on the New York Times best seller, translated into five or six languages and that’s that.” - Bernie Sanders on his new-found wealth.

Excuse me, Ashley, hi! I’m a 13 second-old account, and I’m here today to write you 7 paragraphs of stories using phrases definitely not copied directly from Andrew Yang’s “about me” page on his website. I really think you’re overlooking our guy Yang! Just a 5 out of 10? If you’d just read through his policies, you’d…

On the contrary, he needs Warren and Bernie to stay in as long as possible

Bernie: “None of us know when a medical emergency might affect us. And no one should fear going bankrupt if it occurs. Medicare for All!”

GOP: THIS IS NOT THE TIME FOR POLITICS AND IT IS DISHONEST TO USE THIS SITUATION TO PUSH AN AGENDA 

Once again, the nice guy gets the health scare, while Fat Satan continues to live a life that is just ripe for a heart attack, yet will likely never have one.

“Thanksgiving will now be about your awful townie cousin who roots for Ohio State lording their success over your alma mater Michigan instead of his love for the MAGA agenda!”

“None of us know when a medical emergency might affect us. And no one should fear going bankrupt if it occurs. Medicare for All!”

“You won’t spend all day, distracted from your job, following my scandals! Make America productive again!”

It really was, and I love reading his tweets because I automatically read them in his voice every time.

TIL: Tim Ryan and John Delaney are still running for president!

Bernie’s own tweet was the best. Thoughts and prayers are hot air; Medicare for All would actually accomplish something worthwhile for everybody.

Did Marianne send him healing crystals?

Everything Damon just said is everything I plan to ever know about this.