Today is my first day back at work after maternity leave and everyone is asking if I’m okay and if I’ve cried and I want yell, “FREEDOM IS MINE, AT LAST,” at all of them but I feel like that would make me seem like a bad mom. Newborns are BORING, no matter how adorable they are! I got to eat my breakfast with two…

One time at a bar after a Jets game I spilled a beer on someone's baby. The woman yelled at me and I just said that's what you get for having a baby in a bar.

I can’t believe no one this far has mentioned the fact that all the criticism has been directed at Chrissy, as though fathers are somehow automatically off the hook?

You wind up like my mom, unable to comprehend your grown children as adults and they’re either still sucking the metaphorical teat (one sibling) or break drastically with you and as a bonus are afraid of becoming parents bc of how fucked in the head you are (the other three)

They become helicopter parents and ruin the lives of everyone who works at the precious angel’s university and job as well as subsequent spouse(s)?

I wonder how many of those “I would never leave my babies” are the same ones shushing me AT THE BAR so I don’t wake up their babies. (I’m looking at you, lady with the blue sweater and the baby sling thing.)

I’m very tired of the idea that moms have to be 100% dedicated to their children— especially their small children— and never let them leave their side or enjoy anything without them. What happens when your kids grow up and leave home (which they will) and you’ve spent the last 20 years erasing your identity to become…

Hell hath no fury like the uninvolved.

My mom and my sister’s MIL literally threw my sister in the shower, colluded with her husband and kicked her out for their night alone with the baby. I suspect that my niece remembers nothing.

None of the concern trolls seem to be upset that John left his nine days old to have a meal....

I’ve got one - “Well, I know a Person A and B that had a $5 lentil wedding and now they’re TOGETHER FOREVER and THE KING AND QUEEN OF LOVE and I know a Person C and D who spent MONEY ON THEIR WEDDING and now they’re DIVORCED and live in HELL.”

Ladies and gents: I’ve been here at Jezebel for a loooooooong time now and I would like to welcome you all to Jezebel Wedding Bingo. Here are some of your squares

-City hall
-Simple dinner with friends
-Marriage is pointless and sexist
-Engagement rings are sexist
-Wedding dresses are sexist
-Choosing to take your husband’s…

Her expression...that’s all.

Yeah I was in a hellish prison of being in college and having fun without being saddled with a baby I wasn't ready for at 19. WOE IS ME.

HALP please release me from my prison of guilt and shame (that I am now aware of) D:

#DonaldTrump needs to understand that women who have had#abortions are already in a prison of guilt and shame.

Do tell me, Frank Pavone, how else do women feel about subjects? Can you tell me how I should feel right now reading this article? Help, is this a prison of frustration and disgust?

Seeing some of those article titles really makes me miss Jolie. I think I’ll pick up some white vinegar when I go to the store tomorrow. Not to use. No. Just.. just to have. To hold. To remember...

Seems like it’d be fun to muss his hair. And the accent, of course.

My workplace stocks tampons for us in the bathroom. This guy is better than my older male coworker who stopped by the box of tampon boxes in the storage room and incredulously guffawed, “Ugh. Should I also bring in a box of jock itch cream?!”