Right?! Get knocked up by that babydaddy, and Jessica Lange is your baby’s gramma and in your life forever. I SEE NO DOWN SIDE TO THIS.

Hopefully the baby gets his tousled hair.

Hey, lots of people experiment with drugs when they’re young.

I want to print and frame the one of Kermit snorting blow.

Yeah, funny how that never works.

Forget killer tomatoes, attacks of sob-inducer onions are what we have to worry about. Always seems to happen when I’m watching something either really sad or really inspirational, too. Weird.

HOW DID THIS DUST STORM SPRING UP IN MY ROOM AND DROP A PILE OF ONIONS ON ME?

“Do you know anything about me?” sounds like a more subtle version of “Do you know who I am?” Prep school really instills that sense of entitlement, even in the scholarship kids.
To answer his question: Yeah, dude, you’re a rapist. That’s all we need to know.

Noping on out of there was the right call. I would have only added that she should have called the police and had the woman arrested for assault.

What an asshole (her, obvs, no you). Tacky, greedy, rude asshole. Sorry if you still consider her a friend... but you deserve better fucking friends.

Ugh, really? I’d be giving MIL shit for failing to teach her children proper etiquette.

...Except when he traveled to Japan he got a Chinese character instead. ...

The koala looks halfway decent, if you’re looking for a cartoon of a koala and not something realistic. The rest... I thought most places had rules about letting people get tattooed under the influence. Or did he doodle them on his arm with markers while he was bored in math class?

I have a lion tattoo. It is not at all like that lion, nor is it on my chest. My lion would kick that lion’s ass.

Less dead-eyed and interested to know how my kidneys taste, at least.

Word. That thing is such a ladyboner-killer. It’s what an eight-year old says he’s going to get as a tattoo when he turns 18. Then he ends up getting a tribal arm band, which is nearly as bad.

That’s not a bomb, officer, that’s my biological clock.

Werther’s Originals or GTFO.

I just woke up from a nap, so that’s going to be my excuse as to why I read “Louis Tomlinson” as “Lily Tomlin” and was momentarily very confused.

True. She was probably only intending to steal $100 worth of stuff, but those impulse thefts just pile up...

Holy crap, that’s a rough go of a childhood. Yep, yep, vaccines for everyone (except those with legitimate medical reasons for not getting them)!