I was about to say: I don't even follow football, yet somehow, I know that he did not have a long career...

I guess "long" was the wrong descriptor. Maybe it just feels that way because I have to hear his name all the fucking time.

It also works well to shut down people who blather on about how I should just give her a chance.

That's probably a good strategy. The phrase "trying to set up a rape dungeon," isn't something you want to break out at a nice brunch. That really seems like after dinner drinks kinda conversation.

Kendra and Ricky were reportedly only given a two game suspension by the NFL.

I don't like people anymore. Is there some way I can avoid all people forever?

I've created a helpful chart for Walter.

HOORAY for Mondays!

This is getting scary that you can be charged/prosecuted for having a miscarriage. If your body doesn't cooperate like it *should* and carry the fetus to term, be prepared to suffer consequences. As if you can even prevent a miscarriage or that a teenager would know what to do in that situation.

I used to be a manager at a Jimmy John's in a college town (I made this burner to comment on that JJ wage theft article and apparently never logged out of it, oops). One Saturday night, the entire staff was treated with the experience of watching an intoxicated young gentleman gleefully eat his entire sandwich, the…

That sounds like exactly the sort of person who has two Master's degrees.

#notallstoners

YOU HAD ME AT TREK MEX.

I worked at a dinner theatre where we saw all kinds of weirdos. We had comment cards on each table and always followed up on any negative comments. We were serving a cedar planked salmon, and received the feedback "the bread under the salmon was too hard." There was a quick sort through the cedar planks, and sure…

Quelle roughage!

Maybe they should try praying away the video.

I embarrassingly went to high school with this fool who, as it seems, is still an asshole. Even in 11th grade he was a sleaze ball who thought he was some über-connected Hollywood hot shot. Puhleeeze.

Okay, new rule, you are only allowed to receive presents on Christmas if you agree to be crucified on Easter.