When I saw "Truly Great Customers" in true Kitchenette style I was expecting to hear tales of the truly depraved... however what I got was 4 heartwarming tales of human decency.

My Mormon Wedding Experience:

My fiancee's brother's stepdaughter converted to mormonism and married a mormon dude this past spring. The wedding happened in the morning at some high-level temple in the DC area. Pretty sure the only people at the actual ceremony were the bride, groom, and officiant. Then a reception…

Please love me for restraining from my giant volume of Blue Crush 2 jokes I wanted to make on this post!

This is an an appropriate and measured response to a known threat. Where do I sign up?

WHY DID THEY NOT TALK ABOUT THIS BEFORE THEY GOT MARRIED?

Interestingly, I don't think I could ever be a vegetarian because I'm not willing to give up leather and I think that would make me a hypocrite.

I love going to places outside of Buffalo to have their "Buffalo-Style" wings, or Hot Wings. We like to keep it simple and just say chicken wings. And they are never to be served without celery and Blue Cheese.

I work at a craft brewery and I have people ask me for Miller Light or Bud light all the time. Bonus for the lady this weekend who asked me for a beer with less flavor. I suggested she cut it with water.

I don't know if I'm kidding myself, but I always feel safer eating a rare burger made from beef bought at Trader Joes or Whole Foods as opposed to a normal supermarket. Probably just wishful delusion for paying $6+ a pound.

Damn, is it that bad not eating meat, that vegans have to lie to themselves to eat their awful food? If all you serve is soy, just fucking serve soy! Stop trying to pretty it up with fancy shapes and names of foods you're too good to eat!

I have to hope that some would-be terrible customers will happen upon your column and realize their mistaken notions about what a filet means or what the days of the week are. I'm also convinced that 90% of these customers are followers of the cult of young Jessica Simpson.

I love reading Behind Closed Ovens. For some reason, it always puts me in mind of the "Dipping Areas" sketch from The Kids In The Hall (in my opinion, some of their finest work):

I'm going to say "great fucking" the next time I have sex.

You do realize comments like this make me want to post 15 Cropdusting BCO's in a row, right? Man, I was going to do a Dumb Customers BCO next week and everything, too. Can't do that now, guys, Yotsuyasan ruined it for the rest of the class.

It would have been. One of my friends is a server in Portland, ME. A local businessman who has 3 or 4 franchises came into her establishment to have some drinks and play darts. A mixed-race family with an infant was there as well and the local businessman kept joking about throwing darts at the little negro baby,…

Guys, just so you know… flight attendant here. We do this too. Nonstop, just up and down the aisles. And there's lots of us. Don't be dicks.

I worked at Outback Steakhouse for a long time, and I remember my manager kicking two customers out on the spot, forcibly removing their dinner plates from in front of them. There had been a couple seated nearby (regulars there, sweetest people in the world), who just so happened to both be blind. And they would…

Sorry but there's no intelligent discourse with people whose opinion is "My sky friend told me you shouldn't do that".

Why do you do this to me, so close to my lunch time and with no monies for sushi.

:C :C :C :C :C :C

Yes. Yes I can.