THEY PLAY OLDEN TEIMS MAKE BELIEVE

I know this is pretentious as fuck, but my love was away in Africa for a while recently and he sent me handwritten cards, and it was 4578957389257x more comforting than e-mail or Skype-sex.

Seriously, what does one have to do to get fired from your office? Eat a baby at a board meeting?

Just what the world needs, a digital passive aggressive helpmeet.

Somehow this is reminding me of Helena Bonham Carter. In a good way. Everything Helena Bonham Carter is always in a good way.

Yes, I believe in the States, our name for that audience is "Tea Partiers".

No. No, that is not what he is saying.

I think the dumbest thing I've ever heard at a restaurant was some lady asking for french fries with no salt (that's not the dumb part). When she was served her huge mound of fries, she started dumping packets of Sweet-n-Low on them. Her fellow diner asked her why she would do such a thing and the woman said "I like…

The real question is which Republican will be the first to call for a ban on Russian Dressing in retaliation...It's a tough call but I'm going to go with newly smart (aka glasses wearing) Rick Perry.

Well it's actually very real for a lot of women. Many women who don't normally ejaculate when they orgasm are perfectly capable of doing so at random, sometimes with g-spot stimulation. A number of women find themselves shocked and mortified when they think they've peed on their partners or something.

The only thing I'll even willingly admit here is 4 close friends and I were all engaged in various conflagrations of sexual congress, in the living room, when my roommate came home. He was quite taken aback, and also slightly annoyed, as he had just purchased the furniture we were all fucking on earlier that very…

I am an awesome person.

I am a terrible person.

I have another bartending happy ending

I've killed all the people that were assigned to me on the work-wiki task list, where is my paycheck? I gave their organs the Ukranian man listed in the Contact section of the website but he just said the check would arrive in the mail. Look - those throwing stars came out of MY personal savings and half of them are…

NO ONE gets away with a Navajo-blanket poncho who is not a Navajo.

That's my favorite. I was a philosophy major, which I loved every minute of and have no regrets about, and if I had $1 for every time someone asked me: (at best) "Oh...What are you planning on doing with that?" or (at worst) "How's unemployment treating you?"

Been there. After I got my illustrious degree and found that the entire country was short on jobs, I was a manager at a well known shoe store. When talking to a woman who hated me from the word go and I have no idea why. I wasn't rude or mean in any way. She was buying shoes for her son, she looked at me and said,…

I actually had almost the same experience while working at an Eddie Bauer. The customer remarked that I looked tired, and told her that I was, since I'd been there since open. She told me I should've gone to college, and I explained that I'd just graduated. She asked what I majored in, and I told her German, and…