Best

The upside of investing in Dykstra's old jock straps gave Jim Cramer visible wood.

At least he's going on the IR with the swagger of Old Spice!

@Barry Lutz: Orton's neck also produces its own hair.

@DAULERIO: Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't speed have something to do with it?

Tomlinson had a wittle-bitty tummy ache, so he rode a stationary bike in the corner throughout dinner.

Goodell wanted a special advisor with a history of being "tough actin'"

Marvin the Martian added "There's no way I'm going to his induction. Springfield, Massachusetts is a dump and Jordan was a major league prick throughout the filming of Space Jam.

Christ, Angela's Ashes was a more uplifting read.

The whitest state in the union eagerly defends its title.

I just can't fully appreciate gratuitous Erin Andrews posts anymore... unless they prominently feature mislabeled Heidi Watney photos.

Jagodzinski is the kind of guy who's wife divorced him because she found out he was dropping half his monthly take-home on Lexie, the smoking hot, Friday night, champagne room only stripper. Except as soon as he's lost his MILFy hot (albeit somewhat prudish Catholic) wife, he realizes that he never really had a shot…

Once again, a former struggling ace pitcher proves that sometimes the best way to rejuvenate a season is just to get the hell out of the American League and go feast on some of those AAA NL line-ups.

Deion married Downtown Julie Brown?

Oh those Mariners and their shenanigans. As soon as they saw that Beltre could find humor in his testicular misfortune, they all laughed, patted Grif on the back for a job well done and generally had a ball.

@Weed Against Speed: Just because he got some fat chick with satellite radio to flash her tits, that doesn't qualify him to be a senator.

A man who's most famous for improperly dressing a flesh wound wants to solve American healthcare.

@Bob Loblaw: Don't you understand? It's disrespectful for Shawne's sic opponents to mock the "dance" that Shawne sic does to to disrespect and mock his opponents.

This resuscitation is brought to by PNC Bank, where a life saved is publicity earned.

If you scratch their picture on your computer screen, you can actually smell cabbage.