Glad to help out a fellow carnival aficionado.

I don't know. I am cool with public librarians, but I'm not so sure about the closeted ones.

How to choose? Was it the guy who hogtied me with his socks (see my winning entry in the Awkward Sex Pissing Contest)? Was it the iron-worker who was a secret libertarian? Was it the drunk guy who demonstrated how he could come on command and then told me that he had no respect for how I earn a living? Was it either…

Now I want to paint a picture of Zooey surrounded by woodland creatures.

When my son was a toddler we were at a local park with a somewhat aged play structure. I was with him on the second story of the wooden structure, which while sturdy was also a bit risky for a three-year-old kid, with several drops that would be dangerous. I was feeling lazy, so when he got too close to an edge, I…

I was thinking the same thing, though he would at least have to slip the fanny pack around to the back. A girl's got to have her boundaries.

After college I was working in a Harvest Express at the mall food court. A lot of the prepared food was delivered from a full-service restaurant in an unrefrigerated truck, so the cream soups would often be bad when they showed up, among other shady cost-cutting measures. I got tired of all of the bullshit, so I got a…

I loved those guys. At least back when I thought that Ben Stein was a decent guy.

My friend's daughter does karate, baseball, and ballet. Her brother wanted (and received) a Baby Alive for his birthday; he took that baby everywhere. My (gay) son would be ecstatic if he got Microsoft Office for Christmas (for reals). A friend's (straight) son wears nail polish pretty regularly. My niece hates pink,…

Ha Ha HA! That is all.

My parents aren't Christian, so we never celebrated Christmas. My grandparents gave me gifts at times, but there was no Santa in my life. Therefore I never intended to raise my son with Santa. His dad was somewhat disconcerted as a teenager (yes, it took him a while) when he realized there was no Santa. But he and his…

I can hear it here in Colorado. No, wait, that's just my cat trapped under a fallen stack of catalogs.

Stanley Burroughs was one of my grandmother's gurus. He wrote the forward to her book. He was a quack of the highest order. I once heard a lecture in which he explained that we can get all the nutrients we need from sunlight and air, that we don't actually need food.

East High School (I'm not sure about South) is an open campus. As a result, I have unintentionally dined with them on numerous occasions at various fast food restaurants in my neighborhood. (I live about 6 blocks from East.) The kids seem very involved in their school and are good neighbors; I think the majority were…

I'll be in Connecticut next month. Is that close enough?

Your denial of 3D printing is odd, but understandable. It's pretty mind blowing to watch something magically grow out of a spool of plastic. Once I slept with a guy and only noticed his 3D printer on my way out. He could have gotten me into bed so much easier if he'd shown me that first!

"White people keep thinking that their hurt feelings over a post on Jezebel are somehow comparable to hundreds of years of oppression. How do I find a good ophthalmologist to treat my eyes after I roll them too much?

My sister-in-law gave birth in a horse trough in her living room. My brother drained the trough and voila! Clean up done. Yes, she is a major hippie.

Yeah, none of that GMO honey.