This is why I no longer operate as a human woman, and instead operate as a high-pitched frequency in another dimension.

Why, rape, of course. Even if we get pregnant, I hear our bodies just deal with that shit anyway.

Rape, because what did we expect, being human women in public?

Criminalizing abortion. Criminalizing pregnancy. Criminalizing birth. I mean...what exactly are our options? Not have sex. But then how will the menz get the sexy times they’re entitled to?

He just released his tax plan and I hear it’s good, but I can’t make heads of tails of it:

Yes, yes, yes, yes, and you bet your sweet ass! “Pam’s garden had gone to seed, but certain corners still recalled, if you squinted, the vestiges of the lush immaculateness that had made the garden such a source of admiration in earlier days.” (The garden is a metaphor for Pam’s vagina. And, like, America.)

Will there be a trip through the East coast area where the white guy meets zany characters? Including a wise man of color? Does he bed a free spirited woman who teaches him something about his life? Will he come back to his roots at the end and understand himself a bit better and speak of the skies and the end of…

How much do you guys wanna pay me to write a Jonathan Franzen novel? It’s about a dissatisfied upper-middle-class white genius who doesn’t feel challenged by his wife. But it’s really about, like, America.

Me except I add in a hair flip.

Anytime someone says “Vegan speaking” it reminds me of the scene in the Scott Pilgrim movie....

Vegan speaking,

Look, babies are a renewable resource, but small businesses are an endangered species. Won't anybody think of the entrepreneurs?!

when someone is having a home birth they have a midwife who is bound by law to get them to the hospital if any complications arise. I knew people who refused to go to the hospital when complications arose and so the midwife was forced to call the police to get them to the hospital. As long as there is a registered…

That is way more eloquent that I could possibly be. My only reaction was FUUUUUUUUCCCCKKKKKKK YOOUUUUUUUUUUU!

People, please start believing that health care IS the miracle God sent you.

Hi! You’re confused because you don’t understand how this works.

Seriously?

Yes. Please rush to apologize to Zendesk.

I used to be a legal proofreader, and these particular cases against an object or a shipment of objects used to absolutely slay the whole department... US vs. One Hundred Forty-Four Boxes Of Frozen Fish. US vs. $75,000 Cash. US vs. 422 Casks of Wine. I considered it one of the few benefits of the job (because having…

Are we giving Trump land in an attempt to get him to stop trying to take control of America?